Just Because

Trying to Learn the Same Old Lessons

2012-02-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

This week has been a roller coaster, but right now I'm so happy. I have amazing teachers in my life.

Rising Above It: My dear friend, Deb, has been teaching me to rise above the mistreatment of others. She has been going through things I couldn't possibly survive. I mean that so literally that breaks my heart. People have been truly cruel to her, but she chooses to forgive over and over. She finds the positive in the worst situations. If she can make the effort to forgive and be happy in such situations then so can I. I'm so thankful to be here to help her walk away while she teaches me to be happy in the process.

Let It Go: My husband lives with the belief that life is meant to be enjoyed rather than suffered. He says that things/people aren't worth getting angry over. It's hard for me. I have a strong sense of justice and it kills me to feel like people are getting away with doing wrong. I want to kick and scream, but he keeps me grounded. He reminds me that I can't control others and sometimes you have to let it go, walk away, and choose to be happy. I'm trying it. It gets hard when my blood starts to boil, but I'm already feeling a bit better. I can't control idiots, but I can control myself. Today I read a quote, "At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life." I can't cut some people out of my life, but I can put them at a distance. I can play nice at family gatherings. I don't have to be there friends. It feels good to remember that.

Being Me Without Shame: Tonight my mom reminded me that I can't be happy unless I'm true to myself. I've been that way my entire life. People don't always like it, but that is okay. The people that love me respect and admire me for that. There are some things that I will not condone and ignoring them would be just that. I won't sacrifice myself to belong anymore. I don't have to rub my choices in peoples faces, but I don't have to lie either. I don't have to fit in to be happy. It's so liberating to allow myself that freedom.

Some days I hurt so much I think I can give up, but I have so much to live for. I don't keep many people close, but those who love me enough to stick by me are everything to me. I'm not easy to live with. That fact makes me so much more thankful for those who struggle to be with me. They're worth the good and the bad days.

2012-01-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Rockin' out to "Hello, I love you" by The Doors is exactly what I needed right now. I'm on some new meds and can I just tell you how much happier I am! It's been less than a week and I feel more like myself. I still have occasional anxiety issues, but I feel so good over all. I have so much to be thankful for that I feel as though I'm going to explode from all this pent up happiness!

I posted a video on Facebook a while back that caused a bit of commotion. If it had happened 2 weeks ago I would have cried myself silly. Instead I was able to see that what others say and feel doesn't have to hurt. My husband and some of my family and friends were beyond amazing. They reminded me that they love me no matter what. That is so important to me. It's nice to feel loved, respected and defended. My mom and I had a wonderful talk about the whole thing. She saw my post for what it was instead of what it could be. She and my dad taught me to stand for what I believe in, to show love and tolerance when it's hard, and to remember that some peoples' reactions are a result of something else going on with them.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T01:34:00.001-07:00

I'm really not the kinda girl who makes resolutions to start each year. I've just never felt the need. A lot has happened in the last year and I have a few things comin in this new year. I'd rather skip the reflecting and most of the planning. I'd rather live right now. I have my husband and my little girl and tonight that's all I really need. Maybe tomorrow I'll slip back into my old ways and fret about what I can't control or change. I just can't seem to care right now and that feels nice. I'm going to go sleep beside my best friend now and waiting for our little girl to let me know when she's ready to start a new day. Isn't it nice to find what's most important and know it's the perfect motivation to keeping going? :-)

2011-12-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

Life is an ongoing roller coaster. My family jokes that my grandpa has at least 9 lives and he seems to have proved it once again. He ended up in the hospital again this month. They thought he had a blockage in his intestine, but couldn't do a CT scan because his kidneys were failing. They finally decided to take a big risk and do surgery. They didn't find a blockage, but they did remove 12 feet of mangled intestine. I'm still not sure how his body managed that. After surgery he was sent to ICU and the doctors and nurses spent the night fighting to keep him alive. I had all but lost hope, because he his heart and kidneys were failing and he was crashing repeatedly. My mom and her brother flew out the morning after his surgery to help their big sister and mom. He once again managed a miraculous recovery. He's not out of the woods yet and isn't breathing on his own, but he recognizes his family now and is grouchy, which is a good sign. That mans body has been trying to give out for decades, but I guess he must have a survivors soul. Mom will be home on Christmas Eve and hopefully Grandpa will continue to improve.

Kegan is constantly proving that she's a smart little girl. Her doctor is very impressed with her vocabulary. It's looking like she's going to be short like her mommy. She grew .1 inches in 3 months. The doctor says lots of kids do that and he isn't worried so neither am I. Kegan has been turning into quite the little dancer. She dances to intros to shows and movies, to commercials and just about any other music. Watching my girl dance always brightens my mood. She's been into mimicking lately. She likes to bark with the dogs, mimic the vacuum and do what I'm doing.
Well I'm off to bed. I'm sure there is more to say, but my eyes are heavy.

2011-11-04T01:31:00.000-06:00

Sleepless nights seems to have become my blogging time. I'm so tired I can barely see straight and yet I still can't manage to sleep. It's been a hard day. I think I survived. I'm still not entirely sure. I've been thinking about babies, family members, religion, money and chores. None of these topics are really inspiring warm, fuzzy feelings. It's November and that means it's the month to be thankful. I've got a lot to be thankful for. I have a roof over my head, no matter how unstable it feels. I have a husband that still wants to hold me when I cry. I have a little girl that makes me laugh even when I can't seem to remember how to. I have 3 friends that have managed to help me through the last month without knowing it (You're one of those Heather). I have nieces and nephews that smile when they see me. I have younger brothers that think I'm strong. I have a little brother in Paraguay that wrote to let me know that he thinks I'm special. I have a mom that asks me to pick up pictures with her because she knows I need to get out. I have a grandfather that will climb over people to give me a hug. I have a grandmother who insists I look out for myself. I have a computer to sit in front of when my thoughts are just too loud. My life is good; it's just a little hard right now. Luckily I have people to turn to; I just have to remember that they are there.

2011-10-28T01:36:00.000-06:00

My kitty is all better! She's back to being her usual self and I'm very relieved.

I should kind of explain my in-law situation a little here. I have a love-hate relationship there: we all pretend to love each other even when we don't want to and I hate it. I really do care about my in-laws, but I don't understand some of the things they do and it gets a little overwhelming at times. When bad things happen or bad feelings come up they never, ever, EVER deal with them. Whispers are exchanged to others occasionally and we all just pretend nothing ever happened. I struggle with it, because I like closure and I'm not always sure how to handle the constant lack of closure. I just remind myself how important they are to my husband and that they love me in their own ~~twisted~~ confusing way. My mother-in-law is extremely passive. She avoids confrontation at all costs. My father-in-law is kind of stereotypical. He likes to be in-charge, but doesn't want to deal with or be inconvenienced by emotional issues. They are fantastic people; I'm just not use to them yet. Hopefully someday I will stop being surprised.

I need to stop writing here when I can't sleep. I'm too emotional and honest. It's a little nerve-wracking and depressing.

I miss my kitty

2011-10-21T01:26:00.000-06:00

My daughter proved once again that she is a cat person. She loves dogs, but when there is a choice she always says, "Hi kitty!" My sister-in-law is house sitting for her parents for a few days so we went to do a little crafting with her and Baby K was loving the space, the kitty, the toys and the relatives. It took a lot of convincing to get her to leave the cats and go for a walk. She's so darn cute! It really is a bummer that we live in a strictly no pet situation. The upside is that I don't have to clean up after a pet.
Baby K's favorite kitty may not be around much longer and I suspect I won't be told if they put her down. We got Zoey and Jack when they were tiny kittens. When we moved a couple years ago they couldn't go with us, but my hubby's parents agreed to take them in. Jack went missing about a year ago and I like to think my lovable little guy just found a family that needed him more. We're still in a place where we can't have pets and I wouldn't take Zoey even if I could. She and my mother-in-law have developed a strong bond and I'd feel horrible breaking them up. Zoey hasn't really been herself lately. Eric said he talked with his mom last week and Zoey has a sore that looks really infected and she has become extremely lethargic. My mother-in-law told him she's treating the wound and was going to take her to the vet. I wish I knew more, but my mother-in-law and I have an often reserved relationship so I'm relying on Eric for my info. Tonight I'm tired and I miss holding my kitty.

Crazies on Facebook

2011-10-14T01:26:00.000-06:00

I try to get on Facebook once a day and read through status updates so I feel a little connected to people. I find that I often end up picking my jaw up off the desk and thinking...

(A) How can I be related to this person??

(B) Clearly god exists because humanity exists even with these crazies reproducing and

I don't mind people venting, joking or simply rambling in their little updates, but there is a line and some people seem to not only cross it, but go running across flaunting all their dirty laundry. I don't want to know that your husband abandoned 4 children with 3 other women and now you harass them and their mothers. Why do you want people to know that about you?? I don't want to know that you are a complete lunatic and think that's just fine. I don't get it! I manage to keep things to myself all the time in order to avoid humiliating myself. What are you thinking?? Have you not heard that possible employers look you up on the internet? Do you not understand that I will see that and not ever allow you to be involved in my child's life? You've just told me that you can't be trusted around anyone. I hate to break it to you, my friends, but we are surrounded by truly psychotic people and it scares me even more to admit that I'm related to some of them...

2011-10-10T01:13:00.000-06:00

I need to get beyond these late nights! Looks like I'll be putting off a few of my chores to take a nap with the baby tomorrow. My brain fills up with spinning thoughts and I find myself staring at my eyelids for hours or sitting in the living room.

Could certainly be worse though.

I took melatonin and Tylenol PM before Kegan was born, but now I'm a paranoid mom and I'm afraid of sleeping through her cries. She sleeps through the night, but there is always that "what if" to contend with. Maybe I just need to find a way to clear all my thoughts long before bed time so they don't all bombard me at the end of the evening.

My quest for peace of mind and letting go is proving a little more difficult than I'd planned. It's not horrible. I think I may have let my insecurities dig a little deeper than I'd realized. I'm having a little trouble letting my guard down. I know I need to start lowering my defenses if I'm going to make this work. Love doesn't flow very easily through these walls. If I can't allow more than a trickle in or out I'm gonna be toast on this personal quest of mine.

Well... The baby is up... I should have knocked on wood. ;)

Giving Up Anger for Forgiviness

2011-10-08T22:48:00.001-06:00

It's amazing and terrifying what anger can do. It destroys families, friendships and even nations. A teacher once told me that anger is never a solitary, or primary, emotion. It is always a front for another emotion, usually hurt and sorrow.

I don't want to feel it.

I don't want it around me.

I'm tired of watching it threaten to destroy the people around me.

It's amazing how thoroughly it can engulf a person. I've been watching it eat away at the relationships of some of my family members.

My daughter isn't angry. She doesn't understand why any of us are. She loves openly and completely. Her innocence isn't protecting her from being a victim. I have to do that. Her relationships with her relatives are at stake and I love her too much to allow her to lose them. Ignoring the problem isn't working. Faking happiness and harmony isn't enough in the long run. I'm seeking peace of mind. I'm trying to forgive and let go of my own hurt. It isn't easy, but I have my baby girl and my husband to keep me grounded.

Wish me luck while I search for peace in my trials!

Last Day!

2011-05-20T10:21:00.000-06:00

Life is an exciting thing and today is especially exciting. It's my last day as a working mom! I'm extremely excited and just a tiny bit bummed. I'm really looking forward to spending the mornings with BabyK and I think my whole family will enjoy having a more relaxed me. The stress and drama have just been too much for me. I've got plans for projects and trips to the park near our home. I'm a little intimidated too. My responsabilities are changing and I want so badly to be strong for Eric and Kegan. Luckily I have my mom and sis-in-law to help and encourage me. Eric has been so great. He's put up with a lot from me and has really worked to help us get to this point.

Silly Me

2011-05-11T14:13:00.000-06:00

Want to know a silly little secret??

I am a Wanna-Be-Crafter. I want to be creative and crafty like my awesome sister-in-law, but I lack the creativity, focus and drive. I find a project, plan it and if I'm shockingly determined I even buy the required materials. It rarely goes farther than that. I just get distracted or overwhelmed.

My Currently Planned Projects:

Doll for BabyK
Tent for BabyK
Plans for a shack that I will build when I'm wealthy and own property. ;)
A change jar
A baby gate
Dry erase board
A play kitchen
A lovely purple dress
and way too many other things!

I'm just exciting like that ;-)

2011-05-10T12:21:00.000-06:00

It's been a LONG time since I posted! Life has been a bit hectic and I honestly was just trying to keep up without making too much of a scene. My last day of work is coming up quickly and I'm so excited I can hardly keep it in. I want to laugh and shout to the world... and then I start to think about the details and I cry. I'm so excited to spend more time with my baby. I'm nervous about the kind of mother I'll be. I'm angry at people that have forced my hand financially. I'm depressed because I'm scared. I feel like staying home is the best thing right now. I just wish it didn't put us on such a strict budget. I'm making it sound much worse than it is. Our budget includes monthly savings and extra payments on our hospital bills (Eric recently had surgery). My primary source of stress is the added truck payment. I made the mistake of trusting someone and helping them out. Now I have a truck to sell and more bitter feelings toward relatives that haven't grown up. Sorry I'm venting. I'm just tired and it's hard to burry some feelings.
Kegan is doing fantastic. She's crawling all over and once she figures out how to balance a bit better I know she'll be walking. She has two bottom teeth and her hair gets a little longer all the time.
Eric had to have a hernia repair and then I developed an absess. The poor man was in the doctors office more times in one month than in the last ten years. He's feeling a million times better now. He shaved his beard short. It was a lot weirder than I had expected. He kept it long for several months. Kegan doesn't mind, but she does seem to miss using it to play tug-a-war.
Well I'd keep writing, but I'm a bit sleepy and had better get to work on my to-do-list.

2011-02-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

02/04/2011

Last Friday Meema took pictures of you and Cambria while I was at work. I've only gotten a copy of one so far, but it's a definite favorite so here it is! It's almost impossible to get a picture of you smiling. You always get distracted by the camera or phone and go all stoic on me.
I want you to always remember that I love and adore you no matter what! Life is going to have lots of ups and downs. We'll both make mistakes, but that's okay. Nothing can ever change how much I love you. Keep that in mind.

Pictures!

2011-02-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

Our family Fall 2010

5 1/2 months old

Hanging out with Grandpa after her blessing.

Papa is a big BYU fan so Kegan, Cambria and Papa got dressed up for pictures. (I love that daddy of mine!)

That's actually not a scared face... That's her favorite facial expression. She's fascinated with everything and everyone.

Here are some long over due pictures. I know it isn't much, but I felt the need to share.

On the Run

2011-02-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

This will have to be short, because I'm in a hurry. Sorry I've been really neglectful. I've really been struggling emotionally, but my hubby, my baby and a few others have kept me going. My doctor increased my medication and has asked me to start taking vitamin D so things should be improving. I'm taking other steps to get myself back on track.

I can't quite believe how big my baby is. I take her clothes out, think they'll be way to big on her and find that they fit perfectly. She giggles, squeals and rolls all over the place. She loves people and is curious about everything.

Hubby is loving his job and has been there for 2 months now. It's nice having him so much more relaxed.

I had an awesome birthday last week and am feeling quite loved. I got a nifty new vacuum! It so cool! I wish I had a picture to show you. I was given nearly everything from my list.

Well I've gotta run!

A Reminder

2011-01-09T04:46:00.000-07:00

I've been having trouble sleeping so I used that as an excuse and read my book a lot longer than was wise. Before going to sleep I decided to check on my baby. Standing between my room and my baby's, listening to my child and my husband breath reminded me that the bad days are worth it. I've been really struggling lately. Tonight reminded me of why I struggle through the bad days. Those two are worth it. Every day with them is a gift and a blessing. I need to stop worrying so much about being good enough and just enjoy the time I have with them. It's what I need. It may not be what I deserve, but it's what I need.

The Good Outweighs the Bad

2010-12-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

I feel a little like I've fallen overboard and am just fighting to stay afloat. I don't care much for it. Miracles and struggles seem to have been raining down on my family. I've handled it pretty well, but today it just seems a bit heavier. Good thing we have so many blessings and miracles to overcompensate for the rough spots.

My dad has been having kind of a rough time, but his surgery is Thursday and the prognosis is awesome.
My in-laws are moving into another house here in town and it's darling! I think it will be good for them.
My hubby started his new job this week.
We have guests from Australia and they're absolutely inspirational.
I've been listening to some great music.
I'm gonna try a new recipe tonight.
I colored my hair! I love it. I think I kind of needed a change that I could control. Such is life.
I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends.

There is a very small list of some of my blessings right now. It's going to be a good month. I just need to focus on the positive and I'll be okay. We're all going to be okay and that makes me feel much better.

My Smartest Decision

2010-12-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

The word decision looks weird... It just looks wrong, but my coworker insists that's how you spell it. Guess this bug is attacking my brain as well as my throat and nose. On to my chosen topic!

The smartest thing I've ever done was marry Eric. I've thought about it many times and I can't think of a single thing I've done that was smarter than that. I'm a lucky woman and I know it. I'm a difficult person to deal with. I have occasional anxiety attacks and I get kind of antisocial, but Eric accepts me as I am. He loves me and reassures me. Eric never lets me forget that he thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful. He dotes on me and just smiles when he thinks my worries are silly. When I'm tired and overwhelmed he holds me and teases me until I forget how worn out I felt. He chooses me over his friends and includes me in everything he does. He never makes me go to the grocery store alone and does most of the cooking at our house.

Well I could keep going and I really want to, but I'm not feeling well so I'm going to stop here. Fact is... He's amazing, my favorite, my best friend, a devoted daddy and he is all mine.

Already a Month of Miracles

2010-12-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of December. My how time flies... Today I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for. My dad and his health are a huge something to be thankful for. Last night my family (those of us in the US) got together and my parents told us my dad has cancer. There is good news. It's kidney cancer and they're only seeing it on one kidney. The oncologist is optimistic. He believes it is contained within the kidney which can safely be removed next week. If it is contained then he won't have to go through chemotherapy. Having watched loved ones die of cancer I know all too well what to expect. I'm going to pray that the doctor is right. I still need my daddy and my baby needs her "Papa". I feel likes it's all going to work out. One way or the other it will work out the way it's suppose to. I'm just going to continue hoping it's the way I want it to.

Update

2010-11-24T14:22:00.001-07:00

I feel a little guilty about not posting as often. I just haven't felt like I've had much to share and when I do have something I'm busy with that something. For example, Kegan has been rolling over! She can roll from her stomach to her back, but she generally prefers to be on her side. She loves to watch the world. She's already chosen her favorite movie. Eric turned on "A Goofy Movie" a while back and she's been hooked ever since. She's also a HUGE fan of music. She can be having a rough day and she'll still calm down to listen to music. I love when she smiles at my singing.

Today is Eric's last day at Office Max! We're both very excited. He takes it very calmly, but I'm nearly bouncing off the walls with excitement. Office Max has not been a great place for him to work. It keeps him stressed out and I don't like my husband being treated poorly. PLUS! He'll get a pay raise and experience for the line of work he wants to pursue. I'm so extremely proud of him. He is an amazing husband and father. It's no wonder he's my favorite.

I'm doing well. I'm trying to do small things to improve my family's life. I'm going to cook more fish and chicken. I'm also trying to get rid of some of our things. It's silly to have so much that we don't need.

A Survivor

2010-11-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading a blog lately that tugs at my heart in a rather painful way. It’s written by a young woman trying to find her way after getting out of an abusive relationship. I ache for her. I wish I could put my arms around this version of her and let her know that it will be hard, but she’ll find her way. I knew her before he came into the picture. We weren’t close, but we talked in high school and I considered her a friend. She was there for me at time when my life seemed to be more than I could handle. It’s a little ironic. I was trying to get over an unhealthy relationship at that time. My ex never hit me, but the verbal abuse took more of a toll on me than fists ever could have.

This girl talked about the stigma that comes with having been a victim of abuse. People don’t realize that abuse starts out small. It typically sneaks up on you. It starts with a remark here or there that makes you wonder if you misunderstood. It gradually builds until they’re telling you it’s what you deserve and you actually believe them. I wish she hadn’t believed him. I wish she’d known what to look for and known to walk away, but sometimes we don’t see what we aren’t looking for. It’s like cancer. If you don’t keep your eye out for it you probably won’t find it until it’s a threat or a sentence.

Gonna Do Better

2010-11-02T11:20:00.002-06:00

Well I had a serious fall apart moment.. Well I guess I should call it fall apart days, but that’s just a technicality, right? ;) I need to get myself on track. I’m kicking myself while I’m down and I need to stop that. My daughter and husband deserve better than that. I need to get organized.

I’m trying to gather easy dinner recipes. Eric and I need to eat better for the sake of our daughter and our health. I think it will make us both feel a little better. I’m hoping anyway. I’m not a huge fan of cooking so this could get exciting. :)

My mom and sister helped me get some unpacking done yesterday. Yes… I still have unpacking to do after 3 months of living here. Having a new baby and some messed up hormones while my hubby works and goes to school has been a little bit of I trial. I let myself get overwhelmed and lazy. The nursery looks awesome now and Eric and I are going to try to move Kegan into her crib this week. It’s going to be hard for me. I like having her in our room, but I just keep reminding myself that this will be good for her. I haven’t decided if that’s helping or not. ;) I’m a little selfish when it comes to my baby. I’m pretty sure I need her more than she needs me. That little girl is like an addiction. I count down the hours at work until I can see her smile next.

Isn't she so cute?!

2010-10-18T06:34:00.000-06:00

I'm feeding Baby K and she's trying to eat, sleep and smile all at the same time... Cutest Thing EVER! I so wish I could take a picture to show you. She's been smiling in her sleep since she was just a few days old. It makes my heart soar every time she does it! I took this picture as she was falling asleep on 10/02/10.

It's kind of ironic that she smiles in her sleep so often, because she fights sleep like it's the plague some days. She's so afraid she'll miss something. I'm gonna be in trouble as she gets older and can do more than fuss when I start putting her to sleep. Guess it kind of serves me right because I was a nightmare to put to bed when I was tiny. I'm still a pain in the butt some nights!

Well Baby K has her 2 month appointment this afternoon. I'm all sorts of anxious. I know these shots will protect her and she's such a tough girl, but she is still going to cry and I'm afraid I will too. My goal is to make it out of the building without shedding a tear. I figure I can cry all I want in the car and at home. Good thing Eric is planning on coming with me. He'll probably end up holding Baby K and me when we get home. I got really lucky when I snagged that man!

Well she's falling asleep so I better take advantage of this to get a couple things done. Have an awesome day!

Finally I resurface. She's just too fun.

2010-10-16T07:59:00.000-06:00

This is my reason for disappearing from the blogging world.

This is my beautiful daughter! She decided to join the world exactly 2 weeks early and 3 days after we had moved out of our apartment. This mom thought she would be a little late. Needless to say, the last couple months have been a little chaotic. She weighed 6 lbs 6 oz and was 19 inches long. She found her thumb when she was less than 30 minutes old, but since discovering her pacifier those little digits just don't cut it. She's very curious about the world around her, but especially about the people. She loves to watch everyone around her and is starting to reward attention with big grins. She's been smiling since she was 1 week old, but now they are more frequent and just as adored by her daddy and I. She is her daddy's girl. She'll lay on his chest and be completely content. We had a little trouble getting weight on her for the first couple weeks, but she's getting bigger now. She really enjoys music and seems to have a little bit of a preference for Journey, Styx and other similar bands. I can go on and on bragging about her all day. I'm dreading going back to work and am already going over our finances in the hopes of quitting and being home with her soon. Well I'm off to get a little done before she wakes up.

My Soap Box & Prego Rambling

2010-08-05T13:29:00.000-06:00

Last night Proposition 8 was over turned and today the reactions are slowly starting to slip onto Facebook. I’m interested to see how people handle this. The Church released a great statement. On the end of the statement they said, “There is no doubt that today’s ruling will add to the marriage debate in this country, and we urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion.” I found that very appropriate for both sides and hope everyone adheres to this bit of advice. I know we don’t always understand or agree with each others’ opinions and actions, but that is no reason to behave disrespectfully if you can avoid it. Well there is my soap box speech. ;)

It’s kind of looking like I may have been having small contractions for the last week or so. I really couldn’t say for sure, because I’m just trying to go off other peoples descriptions. Oh well.

They say that the last weeks are the hardest. I’m not sure whether I agree with that, but they are little rough. I’m awfully tired and a bit sore. Sometimes my stomach gets a little queasy or it’ll start to hurt, but it’s all been very manageable. I think the most frustrating part for me lately has been the itching. My stomach will start itching so bad and it hurts to scratch some spots so it gets pretty frustrating. I’ve been putting on more lotion and it seems to help a bit.

I think my ideal day, at this point, would be laying on the couch with access to lots of lotion for my tummy and easy access to some yummy foods. I’m kind of thinking a vegetable tray with some ranch would work. A Frosty would probably be nice too. ;) I also feel that at least 2 30 minute naps should be included and lots of good TV. I have the Discovery channel now so that should be easy.

Well there is my rambling update. Have a lovely day and forgive me if I made some ridiculous mistakes in the typing of this blog. I didn't proof read it and pregnancy has my brain functions failing in a very big way.

Oh Baby

2010-07-27T13:28:00.000-06:00

It's been a crazy few days. Kegan is hiccuping away as I type. It kinda makes me laugh a little. I can do that, because I'm the mom and she'll have to forgive me. She's getting so big and I think she's getting a little sick of being cramped in their. She'll get bored and just move her leg back and forth across my stomach. It's so weird to watch and Eric and I both love it. She still gets excited when her daddy is around. She may end up being a bit of a people watcher. When someone starts talking real close to me or the music gets turned up she'll hold still for a bit to listen. It's quite cute. We have one more month until her due date! My dad and sis-in-law have a bet going. Jeni says Kegan will come early and Dad figures she be late. The loser buys the winner Jamba Juice. I'm kinda hoping to benefit from this bet and get a Jamba of my own. Time with the baby should be a good incentive. ;) We're hoping to start painting Kegan's room this week. Eric and I are both really excited. We can hardly wait to actually hold her! I finally got my camera back and I've been taking pictures of our place as we get it ready. Hopefully I'll have a few posted by next week. Fingers crossed!

Catching up on summer

2010-07-20T14:03:00.000-06:00

This summer has been full of so much and yet it's been kind of empty. The rain in the beginning left me ready for sunshine and feeling short on time for summer. My hubby's older sister gave birth to a darling baby boy on June 28th. His name is Karstn (Nope, that's not a typo.). He's darling, demanding and makes the funniest faces I have ever seen. I think he's stolen everyone's heart. My hubby even offered to kidnap him yesterday. It was cute. Jodryn is adjusting to being a big sister and it has been a little rough. She loves her little brother, but she doesn't love sharing all the attention that's normally focused on her. She seems to be taking it out on her mom which has been so hard to see. Jordyn is probably at her very best when she comes over to watch movies with Eric and me. She loves to cuddle up on Eric's lap and just be. She avoids her mom. Poor Jessica is really struggling with it. Jordyn throws tantrums, but she's getting better as far as I can tell. Hopefully she'll finish adjusting soon. My heart breaks for Jess.

The 4th of July weekend was great. We spent the 3rd with Eric's family in Kaysville and Eric and I got painful sunburns on our arms. It was definitely the downside. The parade was a blast and the fireworks were awesome. Eric and his soon-to-be brother-in-law bought little fireworks again and strapped them to little toy cars. It was so funny. They were like little boys and the neighbor kids thought they were pretty awesome. On the 4th Eric had to work so he missed out on the bbq at my parents' house with my uncle's family. My cousin's wife, Nicole, made the coolest cake. The slices looked like the US flag and it tasted fantastic! I'll have to steal some of my mom's pictures to show you. Words just can't do it justice. On the 5th I went to the Layton parade with my family and some close friends. We grilled hot dogs at my grandparents' house for lunch. When Eric got off work we met up with his family at the Layton City Park and watched fireworks. The fireworks were fantastic, but the traffic after was not. I have a road rage problem and a two minute drive being turned into an hour was not ok. I have very little tolerance for stupid drivers so by the time we got home Eric and I were both at the end of our wits and had to have some wind down time before we could go to bed.

Our baby is doing great. Her heartbeat is strong and she loves her daddy's attention. She's due August 27th, but we're going to let her come when she decides she's ready unless a medical emergency comes up requiring me to be induced. The summer heat and added weight on my hips has finally started to catch up to me. Luckily, I only have 5 1/2 weeks until her due date so it's just a matter of hanging in there. Eric has been really patient with me and finds my complete lack of brain power very funny. I honestly have a hard time remembering things after 5 minutes. It's pretty sad. I guess less deep sleep will do that. I love feeling her moving. She's a wiggler and tosses and turns pretty often. She's still pretty gentle with my insides which I really appreciate. Eric and I are both so excited to have her officially join us. We can't wait to hold her and see what our baby looks like.

We have some odd news. We just found out that we'll be moving before Kegan is born. We'll be in the same city. My grandparents have offered to rent their basement to us. We were a little nervous, because I lived with them for about a year and a half. Then Eric and I both lived with them for the first couple month of our marriage. It was difficult on all of us so it's taking a lot of faith and it will require a lot of patience from all of us to make this experience a good one, but I think we're all a little better prepared this time. The rent will be MUCH cheaper than anything we could get now and we'll have a yard to work on and play in. This should really help us get Eric through school with less stress. Plus we get to paint Kegan's room and our own!

Well there is your very long update!

Real People

2010-06-11T14:28:00.000-06:00

My family has a phrase that we use that I’ve been thinking of today. When we know someone that we love to be around, that is good, honest and inspiring we call them “Real People”. Really, they are just that. They aren’t pretending to be someone else and they love you simply because it’s in their nature to do so. I know some Real People and I’m always thankful for the influence they have on my life. It’s kind of hard to explain in more depth than that.
One of these people is John. John is truly a great man. He comes into the place I work and always tells us he loves us. Now most people would probably be uncomfortable with that, but we aren’t. We all know that when John says it, he means it. He has been going through a really rough time with his daughter’s health. He does all that he can to take care of her and I don’t doubt that it must wear him down, but he isn’t bitter. Some people see us as easy targets for their frustrations, but not John. He has more reason than most to get stressed, but even on his hardest days he is so kind to us. He loves us simply because it’s in his nature to do so. I’m so thankful for him today. He’s good for my self-esteem.

I'm such a lucky girl!

2010-06-04T10:31:00.000-06:00

Here is a quick update. I had a doctor appointment Wednesday and the baby and I are right where we should be in size and heartbeat. I had to take a glucose test, but drinking that stuff wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The drawing of the blood hurt like crazy though. Apparently telling the nurse that needles make me nervous translated into stab me as quick and hard as you can. It resulted in pain and a nice little bruise. Then they poked my finger with another needle and that was nearly painless. The finger prick was to test my iron. I'm anemic, but that was no surprise to me. I've been borderline anemic for years so I bought some iron pills and am taking those every night with my other vitamins. I've developed some mild cravings, but nothing real exciting. I crave ice cream, chocolate, tuna fish, fresh fruits and fresh veggies. So they're things I normally crave. I just crave them a little more now. The tuna is a little rough, because I'm suppose to limit how much I have each week. It's disappointing, but I'll live.

My niece, Cambria, a little curious about the baby. She's two years old so she seems to think we're a little crazy when we talk about the baby in Aunt Hailey's belly, but she enjoys it. She even talks to the baby occasionally. A couple weeks ago she was talking to me about Baby Kegan. She suddenly got a very concerned look on her face and asked, "Is it stuck? I help?" Before I could reply she was tugging at my belly button to see if she could get the baby out. I told her that the baby needs to stay in for a few more months and Cam seemed content with that answer. She's so cute! My other niece, Jordyn, is seven and her mom is having a baby boy in about a month. Jordyn is so excited about these babies and likes to give our bellies a kiss when we see her. Every now and then she has some advice for me about what I should be eating. She's very serious about it and it makes me smile. Apparently she's a little concerned about what I'm eating and how much I'm eating, because she demanded that Eric take home one of her crackers for me last week. I'm such a lucky aunt!

Well I'm off to work on my To Do List. Have an awesome weekend!

My little boost of happiness.

2010-05-20T14:13:00.000-06:00

It's been a little rough this week and I'm feeling far too honest and negative for my own good or anyone else's. I've decided I just need to list some happy thoughts.

Yesterday we got to enjoy some gorgeous blue skies. I love blue skies!
I can drink my fake coffee, because it has no caffeine. Yay for a little coffee taste in my hot chocolate.
I have no doubt that my daughter will be beautiful.
I can feel good about my bad days, because they're making me stronger. They'll help me be stronger for my husband and daughter.
I have a husband that loves me more than I ever thought possible. He even loves me when I'm pretty sure he shouldn't.
There are people in my life that barely know me, but want to talk to me anyone. It makes me feel special.
I have a mother that stands up for my right to have opinions that she doesn't like.
I have two beautiful nieces and I'm pretty sure I'm Jordyn's favorite aunt. That feels good.
My doctor's PA was wrong. I'm 23 years old and shouldn't have to have a hip replacement any time soon.
There are women in my life that love me no matter what. They don't have to, but they do.
My baby will be surrounded by love. She already means the world to her family and that makes a big difference.
My nails grow long. I know that may be a silly thing to be proud of, but I like when people notice.
I'm capable of being proud of my ailments. Most people focus don't see the positive in these trials and it makes them unhappy.

Good enough for now? I think so.

Just touching base

2010-05-18T14:16:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time since I posted on here. It seems like pregnancy has just made me a little more quiet. Kegan DeAnn is still proving to be right where she should in size and developement. She's about a pound and a half now. She's a wiggler, but not much of a kicker. The doctor has started having trouble hearing the heartbeat, because Miss Kegan just doesn't like to stay in one spot for very long. Eric can feel her kick now and she seems like to aim for him if he's close by. Her new crib is already set up in her room. Her Grandmeema and Papa Merrill bought it for her and bought some pink sheets as well. Eric and I got it all put together before we left town last week.
We spent the weekend in St. George and coming home really kind of hurt our feelings a lot. The warm weather and sunshine were such a nice change. The trip definitely left Eric and me craving more sunshine and relaxation. Too bad school is keeping us in Davis County. We don't think moving down near Nephi would be a bad change at all.
On Saturday we went to Emily's wedding in Toquerville. It was gorgeous! I was a little jealous, because it was outside and rain forced Eric and I inside for our wedding. Emily looked beautiful and I finally got to meet her sweetheart. He seemed really nice. Emily was my roommate at USU and my absolute favorite until my hubby came along. She is one of my very best friends and it was fantastic to see her.

2010-03-29T11:25:00.001-06:00

I promised to post some pictures of my little sis for you. Isn't she gorgeous? I still have a hard time believing she's so old!

Prego Update

2010-03-25T14:31:00.000-06:00

So it turns out preganacy is truly not a one-size-fits-all experience and it's not my favorite. I'm still getting sick and I'm gradually losing my ability to eat ice cream and drink milk. Not cool! On the brightside I can eat meat again! I'm thrilled to be able to have more options again. I'm getting bigger too! I know I keep promising people that I'll post pictures, but I'm such a slacker and my camera still isn't an option. My tummy is showing more and I really am proud of it. All the stretching and shifting going on in my torso has made me a little sore, but my cute hubby dotes on me and I'm finding the comfiest ways to sit. I've already got pregnancy related brain loss. It's really funny to talk to me every now and then. I'm enjoying it anyway. Just a couple more weeks until we know the gender! Any guesses?

2010-03-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

So here is the latest update... Jessica (my hubby's older sister) is having a boy. Her honey had the biggest grin when he told me. He's such a proud daddy and so excited to have his second son. Eric and I will find out what our baby will be in April. We're really excited. I've definitely got a baby bump and it literally is getting bigger EVERY day! I'm really quite proud of it. I've finally stopped losing weight and even gained a pound in the last month. I'm starting to be able to eat hamburger again (Yay!). I'm getting more tired lately and may have to resort to taking something to help me sleep. Waking up several times throughout the night just isn't agreeing with me. I should start to feel the baby moving in the next couple weeks and I can't wait until Eric can feel the baby kick. I'm not sure if I'm feeling the baby or just my body at this point. This morning we got to listen to our baby's heartbeat again. It kept moving around which made it a little difficult, but I'm thrilled to know I have a happy healthy baby at this point.

Last night was opening night for the school musical at my sister's high school. I love that she has decided to be in the play. She was fantastic and people kept asking if she has extensions. Her hair is gorgeous, thick and down to her butt! I love having such a gorgeous little sister. ;) I'll try to snag some pictures from my mom to show you how awesome her 80's look was.

And now I have to share some pictures with you that I found today and love!

See what a cute baby I was! Having such cute parents probably helped.

Drano!

2010-02-19T14:34:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Jeni, told me about the Drano test. A pregnant woman spits in crystal Drano to find out what the gender of her baby is. If there is no reaction then you're having a girl. If the Drano fizzes and turns black then you're having a boy. Well my sister-in-law, Jessica, is in her second trimester and her doctor can't seem to figure out what she is going to have. So last night Jessica and I took the Drano test.... it couldn't seem to decide what she is having either! It did however clearly predict that I'm having a boy. I guess we'll find out how accurate that is on April 27th. Jessica should find out what she's having on March 5th.

2010-02-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that anger isn't a primary emotion. It's secondary. When you feel anger or hatred there is always another emotion beneath it. The primary emotion behind your anger is usually fear or sorrow. I honestly believe that. I firmly believe that you rarely stop loving anyone. Your love may change or fade, but there is still some form of softness in your heart. You may get angry or disappointed, but that is typically because you still care about them. The best way to work past the negative feelings is to realize you still feel compassion for that someone. Someone once told me I was "almost impossible to love." My broken little teenage heart took little notice of the word "almost" and shattered. I held onto that phrase and the harsh things that person did and fueled my pain into anger. It took me a couple years to realize that my harsh anger was only hurting me more. I had to learn to acknowledge that I felt compassion and pity toward toward that person. I took comfort in the fact that my hurt simply meant that I was capable of caring enough to be hurt by silly and sad things. I don't know why I felt like talking about this. It just seemed like the right thing to say.

Little Update

2010-02-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've kind of avoided posting lately. I'm just exhausted and lately I really feel awful. I'm pretty sure I didn't take people as seriously as I should have when they talked about morning sickness. It's really no wonder that pregnant women tend to get so emotional. This baby growing takes a lot out of you!

I haven't started getting any strange cravings and I'm no longer appalled at the sight, thought and smell of tomato sauces. (That was a strange week.) I've found that I can't eat apple sauce or drink some fruit juices in the morning and waking up 20 minutes early makes me really sick. I can however eat pizza even when the apple sauce gives me a stomach ache. Tums have become a new friend and Unisom is a lousy sleep aid. I got less sleep the night I took it. Saltine crackers are good for a really sore stomach as long as you scrape some of the salt off. I've quickly learned that the remedies that seem to work for everyone can end up making you feel worse. Can you tell I’ve developed a slight food obsession? Apparently that happens when your stomach starts getting angry if you aren’t careful what you put in it.

It will probably be a few more weeks before we can find out the gender. I’m not really thinking much about that yet, but I think Mom is getting pretty anxious. My baby will be well dressed. ;)

Well I’m to attempt to stay awake! Thanks for stopping by.

I've Got a Secret!

2010-01-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

Ok… Are you ready for my big secret? It’s not exactly a secret anymore. Word has started to spread. I… am… PREGNANT! I know! I’m shocked too! After teasing my mom and my mother-in-law about the possibility of never giving them a grandbaby, I am now forgiven. I’m 9 weeks today! Last week Eric and I got to see our baby for the first time. Hearing the heartbeat made it all so much more real for me. So there you have it! The baby is due August 27th. Eric has started calling me Prego and I love it. It’s so much fun having so many people giving me advice. Our family is so excited and supportive.

Just a thought...

2010-01-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

It occured to me a couple days ago that people spend a lot of time and money trying to prove God wrong. That's so funny to me. We get plastic surgery surgery, because God made our nose just a little too sharp and out chin a little to long.We're convinced we were meant to be a brunette or a blonde, so we color our hair. We just know that we'd look so much better if we had darker skin, a different eye color or really just if we looked like anyone else. I'm certainly not saying there is anything wrong with changing our hair or trying something new. It's fun try a little change now and then. I just find it a little sad when people are so unhappy with who they are and how they look. What makes you think God made you wrong? Just a thought.

Christmas Review

2010-01-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Christmas and New Years were amazing! Eric and I always spend a lot of our time hanging out with family. The Holidays meant even more time with family and we loved it. We've really been blessed with amazing family members. Some of the gifts were so personal that people were brought to tears. Now that is a great Christmas!
We recently got some wonderful news from Eric's older sister. She and her fiance are expecting a baby! We are all really excited. She's due in July and Clint is praying it will be a boy. Jessica will just be happy either way. This surprise has set back their wedding date which is a little bit of a bummer. Eric's mom is trying to convince them that March is a great month for a wedding, but Jessica is already starting to show a little and is determined to wait until the baby is here.
Eric started the new semester this week. He dropped a few classes, because he wouldn't have time for homework otherwise. I'm secretly please, because I'm kinda clingy. He won't have days off anymore which will be hard for me. I'm going to miss our Sunday mornings together, but the bills have to be paid and the classes have to be taken. I'm so proud of him. He's such a hard worker that it really leaves me in awe some days.
So there is your update! I promise to give you another soon.

Oh the Yay!

2009-12-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

My mom loves to tease me about my lack of lying skills. I try to deny it, but on Sunday I proved her so right. I'm just not use to being sneaky!

So I found this gift I really really really wanted to get Eric and I found a great deal on it. The problem was that the shipping and tax would put me even more over my price limit.I was already almost $10 over so I tried negotiating with Eric. He was ok with me going over limit, but he wanted more money to spend on me in exchange. So as I tried to barter with him I exclaimed, "But I really want to get you this movie!" Yeah... Not good. Luckily I didn't say the title, I still felt so bad. Eric felt bad that I felt bad and assured me he doesn't know which movie I bought and he's letting me get it anyway. My hubby is so good to me!

Oh and here is another fun story to prove how distracted I've been. Yesterday I was reading over a recipe I had copied down to use this week. I got to the last ingredient and started laughing. The last ingredient should have said "1 (16oz) can of crab". Instead I wrote"1(16oz) can of crap"! I thought it was funny... My sister informed my mom that she doesn't think she wants anything I'm making. :)

'Tis the Season

2009-12-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Christmas is nearly here and I must admit that I’m a bit excited. I have a tendency to get really excited about a holiday about a month or 2 before it comes, but as it draws closer I start to almost resent it. I just don’t handle stress well. Deciding on a costume, figuring out where I need to be on Thanksgiving and trying to find a gift for everyone on my list gets a little overwhelming. As Christmas has drawn near and that nagging feeling of unavoidable failure began tug at me I took a new battle approach. I’ve decided I probably won’t have the “perfect” gift for everyone, but the people I am giving to are the ones that I know will be thankful just to have been remembered by the ones they love (that’s me and my hubby). Suffering the crowds is worth it for that one smile on Christmas morning. The smiles, hugs and excitement make all the worry and stress very worth it. A lot of people feel that Christmas has become far too commercialized and while I do agree that we may have gone a little crazy in the last few decades I do believe the commercialism has come from a very generous and tender part of humanity. If you ask a mother why she is buying toys for her children her honest answer will not be I just want them to stop whining. Her most honest answer would be along the lines of, “I want to make them happy and I want to see their eyes light up.” I know it’s a bit of a cheesy view to take, but it makes me feel better. For me, Christmas is all about love. I’d like to keep it that way.

Holy November!

2009-11-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd have Halloween pictures up by now, but getting hold of Mom's computer hasn't been a possibility. She assured me that she should have it back from Jeni soon. Fingers crossed! Nothing especially exciting has happened since then. I've been sick for the last week and a half, but I am feeling better today than I have the whole time. Yay for getting better! Eric is doing well at school. He doesn't love it, but he works hard and puts up with it.
Can you believe it's already November?? I'm in shock and we're about half way through.I'm so excited though! I love Thanksgiving. Eric and I have been lucky enought to spend Thanksgiving with both our families the last couple years and we should be able to have dinner with both again this year. Eric's family is reserving an LDS church this year. He has so many relatives! They are so much fun. My family has been having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' home for the last several years and there are always a few relatives that some. It's fun to get to just sit around and visit with people that love you. Mom and I always try to go to at least one store on Black Friday. Some years we just go to watch people. There is always some person that takes this all too seriously and is just looking for a fight. I like laughing at that person. I understand there are some great deals, but nothing is worth fighting over... not even that cheap pair of white socks. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Yay for Halloween!

2009-11-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

This is my one hundredth post! Crazy! Well Halloween turned out much better than I expected. I must admit that I had my doubts. We went to a party hosted by my sister-in-law, Jeni, at my parents' house and then to a party at Mariah's parents' house. Both were a lot of fun. Eric and put on vampire teeth and horns which our niece, Cam, was not so fond of the horns. She wouldn't let him get too close without cringing. I did plenty of giggling over it. She liked our vampire teeth and even tried to try one of mine on when I took it out to show her. Cam's 3 year old cousin, Makayla, stopped by as well and was fascinated with our teeth. She told every trick-or-treater and guest that I had vampire teeth. It was so cute! I got lots of compliments and it absolutely made my night! Chase told me I should wear my corset more often and Eric told me over and over again how great I looked. (Yes, I am bragging.)
Weirdest point of the night was the arrival of an old high school classmate... I decided to try to be supportive of Jeni's party by posting a general invitation on my Facebook. A guy that I gradutated high school with said he wanted to come. Now to start out why I was a little... confused... by this, the last time I saw him was about a year after we graduated and I have only talked to him once since then and it was an email. We graduated in '05 so being the shy type I was a little nervous to see him after so long. He texted me shortly before arriving at the party and asked if he could bring a couple people. I of course said yes, because that was really not a problem. Then just to make it more awkward he showed up with his ex-wife and her older brother. Weird! He and his ex-wife were dressed up as cats. Weirder! Then they isolated themselves and I was so uncertain what to say. They showed up about 30 minutes before Eric and I needed to leave for Mariah's party.
Eric's older brother, Adam, went with us to Mariah's party. It was a lot of fun for me and Eric said he even had fun. I think he was expecting to be bored. We played volleyball, sat around and talked and I even got to meet Tye's girlfriend, Stacey. I quite liked her. It was a little weird to see old friends that I don't really talk to anymore. Tye and I have been friends for about 8 years now! In junior high I hung out with him, Andy, Brady and Thomas. Tye's the only one I've hung out with in the last 2 or 3 years. It was really nice to see them. I loved junior high. Mariah went to junior high with us as well, but didn't really start hanging out with them until high school. I can't help, but wish we'd hung out with her in junior high. She is so cute and so much fun!
I'll try to get pictures posted as soon as possible. I just need to get over to Mom's house to copy some from her computer. What did you all do for Halloween??

Controversial

2009-10-14T23:46:00.001-06:00

I haven't posted here in a couple weeks, because I simply have been unsure of what to post about. I've been sliding back into political and religious frustration recently. I really struggle with the topic of same sex marriage. It's said that same sex marriage will destroy "the family". That makes no sense to me. Isn't the point of marrying to create a family? We let divorce for no good reason happen at least as often as divorce for a good reason. Our culture is all too happy to just let the tv, schools, and computers raise our children. Family doesn't mean what it use to. You are a little late in your crusade to save families; so why not let two men or two women take it upon themselves to join together and raise a child that would otherwise be tossed from one foster home to another until they are finally dumped on the streets? I understand that people disagree with me and would hate me and be offended to read what I've written so far. I think that's a little sad, but I can be ok with it. I just wish you'd stop and read the constitution. It is suppose to protect our freedom in "the pursute of happiness". That means that if Brittany and Katy are in love and not harming anyone then they should be allowed to pursue their happiness. Saying that it should be outlawed, because you say it's against the teachings of your version of God is like saying that the Amish find technology to be against God's will and we must therefore shun the practice of using electricity because it offends their version of God. I'm not asking you to like same sex marriage. I am asking you to take another look at your beliefs. Your sons and daughters are committing sucide, because your God can't accept them unless they hide. You can tell me I'm wrong. I have absolutely no doubt that I'm right. The version of God I prefer loves EVERYONE. That version God doesn't discriminate by color, faith, gender or love interests.

Rambling As Usual

2009-10-01T09:06:00.000-06:00

I can barely believe summer is already over. I'm just not ready for winter and autumn is always so short around here. "They" may have lied when they said high school would be better than jr high, but "They" didn't lie when they said time just seems to move faster as you get older. I'm almost scared to imagine what time will feel like when I make it to 30. People are already starting their Christmas shopping and I've just barely acknowledged that summer has ended. Even thinking about it makes me tired. I don't think I got in nearly enough camping and I already miss the long summer days. I'm going to miss the early morning sunshine. I am really looking forward to all the fun holidays! I'm already looking for an excuse to dress up for Halloween, dreaming of Thanksgiving turkey and thinking up Christmas gifts.

A lot has happened in the last month alone. Eric and I had a bit of a false alarm, but I'm not pregnant and we're both pretty relieved. We're hoping to wait a little longer before we bring a baby into our little family. I've moved on from hurts I struggled to let go of and found compassion feels much better than the bitterness I'm a little ashamed to admit I felt. I'm trying to have more patience with the things and people that I cannot change, but growing up has worn my patience thin. I'm finally adjusting to Eric being back in school. He only has one class on campus this semester and I can already promise you that I won't like it when he starts taking more classes on campus. I've been really spoiled through our marriage. Eric has been home most of the time that I am. I'm one of those clingy wives that always wants to be with her hubby. Eric handles my attachment quite well and even seems to enjoy it. I love that about him!

Well I'm tired and out of things to say for now. I hope you're all doing well!

Baby Talk

2009-09-17T15:33:00.000-06:00

Playing with my cousins and their babies the last few weeks has gotten me thinking and therefor Eric and I talking. Now don't jump to any conclusions and think we've decided to start trying for a baby. We haven't. I've just been debating when I'd like to start adding to our little family. Eric wants to wait for another 4 or 5 years and I'm completely torn. Growing up I wanted to be married at 19 and have my baby at 21. Clearly life had other ideas for me. I'm turning 23 in January! A lot has changed since I was 15. At one point I was almost completely convinced that I didn't want any kids at all. (Being around the right kids can do that to you.) I'm just not sure when to compromise a little of my freedom for motherhood.

We are both very aware how much work and money is required for a baby. Right now we get to live for each other and ourselves. If we want to stay out and play all night we can! When there is a baby in the picture you have to worry about bed time, feedings and a lot of stuff. I've seen moms that look like they've packed the whole nursery for a trip to the Burger King drive-thru.

We've decided that if we have a girl we'll name her Keagan DeAnn (pronounced Kee-gen Dee-Ann). If we have a boy then we seem to be leaning toward Kaden Addison.

Yay Pictures!

2009-09-13T20:03:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was the family reunion for my dad's side of the family. It was a lot of fun to see family members that I really don't see often. Here are a few pictures from lunch with the girls while the guys were golfing.
Emma is getting so big! She's at 12 1/2 lbs and so adorable.
This is my aunt. We know how to have a good time! =)
Can you see the resemblance? I've got my momma's smile.
Carissa, Me, Brittney and Baby Alexis
Alexis and me

2009-09-11T14:49:00.002-06:00

I know! I know! I'm slacking as usual, but I really just don't have much to say.

So since I posted last... I took my car to the shop and it's been there for about 2 1/2 weeks. The speedometer stops working at about 50 mph and the drive train wasn't allowing an emissions inspection so Kia has had their mechanic driving it like crazy in the hopes that it would just magically work. No luck there. Kia will have to replace the computer which could take another week. Yuck!!! I've been totally saved by my family though. Adam let me use his RX8 for a little over a week and since then my parents have been letting me keep their Acura. I'm rollin' in style! I do miss my Optima though so I'll be glad to have it back. I'm just scared to see the bill...

My cousins, Britt and Carissa, have both had their babies in the last month. They are gorgeous! Carissa had Emma first. Emma is so darling and it was fun getting to hold her for the first time a week or two ago. Brittney brought Alexis into the world on August 25th. She's so tiny! Britt and Vern are 2 of the cutest parents I have ever seen. It was nice to see a few family members that I haven't seen in a while.

Well I'm gonna have to take off, but I'll try and add more later. Maybe I'll even get some pictures up!

Pictures!

2009-08-27T20:04:00.004-06:00

Here are a few pictures from my trip to Mirror Lake, just like I promised.

This is my brother-in-law, Thomas, and his puppy, Sokka.

This is Sokka chasing down Thomas' fishing line. There wasn't a fish on the hook, but the seeing the bobber was good enough for him. It was a miracle that he didn't get hooked!

Eric got a little camera happy for a moment there and Adam was laughing in the background of several of them.

I just like how regal Brody looks in this one. He's my bud.

Miss Jordyn was a little impatient waiting for a fish to take her bait. She really enjoyed it though and looked so cute casting her line with her pink pole.

Even Eric got cold! And he loves making silly faces for my pictures! ;)

Erin was very excited to be be fishing despite the fact that her fingers and toes were going numb.

Whoops!

2009-08-27T09:33:00.003-06:00

As of today I have been home from my camping trip for one week and have not posted a single picture of the trip on my blog! I'm such a slacker. Well I have every intention of posting some pictures for you tonight. I just don't have access to them at the moment. So here is your verbal description of my trip.
It was my first camping trip of the year, my first with my hubby, my first with his family and my first time ever visiting Mirror Lake, UT. Oh and I froze my tush right off! Luckily I'm exaggerating a bit. I do kinda like this tush of mine... Anyway... It really was very cold. I wore three jackets one day! OK technically it was a hoody and two jackets, but it was still a lot of layers even for me. Everyone that knows me, knows I hate to be cold and I get cold a lot. I still managed to have a blast though. Getting growled at by Eric's one year old cousin, Faith, really helped. She really had us all cracking up. We did a lot of fishing which was so nice and relaxing. Eric caught the biggest fish of the trip! I was so proud of him. I didn't catch anything, but I got in a good nap and some reading time. I got some great pictures of my brother-in-law, Thomas, and his puppy, Sokka (pronounced saw-kuh). Well I'm off to conquer a few things on my to do list. Look for pictures in the next 24 hours!

Renting Text Books?

2009-08-14T10:05:00.003-06:00

Have you checked out ksl.com yet today? I just read a great article for all you college students out there! Read it here -> ksl.com - WSU grad starts text book-renting business

The short version is that Alan Martin said 'Hey! Why can't we rent text books the way we do videos?' Thus, 2 years ago campusbookrentals.com was born. He says if you rent from his site you can save 50 to 60 percent and sometimes even up to 85 percent! That's a great deal if you ask me. You pay a one time fee and use the book as long as you need it before sending it back. He's getting orders from about 4,000 campuses and there are 2 million book titles in the system. Check it out before you buy that next pricey text book.

Excuses Excuses

2009-08-11T09:15:00.003-06:00

Well there is no point in lying to you. I have abandoned my blog for another, stronger, addiction. I have no other excuse. I read 2 books on Sunday... 2! I have rediscovered my love for romantic story lines. I'm not talking the dirty detail books. I'm talking boy meets girl and their irritation and misunderstandings grow in a strange fashion to a deep love. I've felt so tired and worn thin lately that I decided I need a happily-ever-after tale to influence my mood. One book was enough to fuel the flame. I found www.publicbookshelf.com. It allows me to read books online for free.

Well I've lost focus already so I'm going to catch up on my blog reading.

Lava, I miss you!

2009-07-16T23:06:00.003-06:00

So here's the dealio! I spent a week in Lava Hot Springs, Idaho with my family and the day before we got home my aunt and uncle got into town with their boys. All this playing has made me a complete slacker at blogging. It was well worth it though!

Eric proved himself to be a master packer. Our Xterra was so packed with all the food Mom brought for everyone, you almost couldn't see out the back. Mom and Dad rented a cute little 3 bedroom home for the week. The weather stayed around 85 degrees the whole time we were there. We walked everywhere and got a few nice tans and sunburns. Our niece, Cambria, had kind of a rough time. The poor girl didn't get a good nights sleep the entire time and had a few nightmares. Her parents were worn out each morning and everyone pulled together to watch Cam so they could get a little more sleep. Stacey, my little sister, brought her friend, Liberty. Those girls were usually on their cell phones or at the pool swimming. My youngest brother, Taylor, got lots of teasing the whole week. He was so tan that the rest of us looked like we were glowing! I'll have to post a picture of him next to Dad so see can see that I'm not exaggerating. The Sunken Gardens were gorgeous and I suggest everyone go see them. I think everyone really had a good time. It was nice and relaxed. I even got brave and wore my swimsuit without a shirt over it!

Here are a few pictures I thought you might enjoy from our trip to Lava! Hopefully I can post a few from Mom's camera later.

Passing Time

2009-07-02T12:54:00.003-06:00

I was frustrated this morning and had a rant all typed up and decided nobody wants to listen to me whine. I therefore decided to fill out this little questionaire I ran across on another blog. Enjoy or just kill time. Either way.

Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person? Absolutely
Who did you talk to on the phone last/why? I talked to Mom about a kitchen table she saw at WalMart and thought I'd like.
Do you get scared easily? Yep
What is bothering you right now? A lot of things actually
What are the chances of you getting the person you like? Pretty good considering I'm married to him.
Do you think you'll have the same best friends a year from now? I think so. He's married to me so it'd be hard to stop being my bestest friend without a divorce.
Who is someone who can always make you laugh, even on a bad day?My husband is the most likely to succeed at cheering me up on bad days.
Have you ever slept in a car? I think I've taken a nap or two in my car.
Are you generally a happy person? I don't know. I suppose
Has a boy/girl ever called you babe or baby? Of course. My hubby calls me babe all the time.
Have you ever fallen asleep while texting someone? I actually did once! It was sad.
What color shirt are you wearing? White with teal and green stripes
Would you go into public looking like you do now? Yep.
Where will you be in a hour? At work
Who was the first person you talked to today? My hubby
Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms? I like snowstorms that have big snowflakes or are blizzards and I LoVe thunderstorms!
What do you have to do tomorrow? I need to do some chores and see about getting a dresser to my brother's home.
Red apples or green apples? Red.
What are your plans for tonight? I don't have any that I know of.
Have you cried in the past week? Yep
How do you feel right now? Drained and frustrated
What are you listening to? "Quit Playing Games With My Heart" on the radio.
How long have you and your boyfriend/girlfriend been dating for? Almost 2 years.
Do you like being home alone or does it freak you out? I get really bored.
How's your mood? Not so good at the moment.
How has 2009 been for you so far? Not too shabby.
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Absolutely.
Do you love where you live? Not really. It's nice, but I'm not so sure I like being in Utah.
When was the last time you cried from laughing so hard? Last night while watching a movie
Whats something you really want right now, be honest? Stability
Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? My hubby, Brandon, Cory, Elizabeth, Jason and Gary. All sorts of uncomfortable. Good thing I liked the movie.
Do you sleep with a fan on? Not usually. Occassionally in the summer for my hubby.
Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? Nope
Where is your cell phone? Next to me.
Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? Probably
Were you happy when you woke up today? No
What were you doing at 8 this morning? Getting clocked in at work
What were you doing 30 min ago? A whole lot of nothing.
Do you regret anything you've done lately? Yep
Do you have secrets that no one knows? Yep
Are you good at hiding your feelings? Occassionally. I just really hate to do so.
What were you doing at 11AM? Working
What woke you up today? My alarm
Where did you get your last bruise from? I had a tiny bruise after having my blood drawn. Apparently I was a bleeder. I didn't even really feel the needle.

I'm Alive!

2009-06-29T10:05:00.002-06:00

I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long. Seems my creative juices all dried up with my fever. Yep... I was laid up in bed. I can't whine too much, because my hubby was much worse 2 weeks before. I spent 2 hours at the doctor's office on Tuesday. It was no fun. Did you know that the sample for the flu test is taken by putting a stick up the patient's nose? Not a very uncomfortable procedure in my opinion. My flu and strep tests both came back negative and my blood work came back suggesting an underlying bacterial infection. The doctor said the flu test is only 80% accurate for the common flu bug and they have no idea how accurate it is for the H1N1 virus. That lack of accuracy along with my hubby having suffered through a harsher case just 2 weeks before led the doctor to believe it was a mild case of the dreaded Swine Flu. I kinda feel like now I can brag about having the infamous illness, but it was only 3-4 days and really no fun. I'm a whiner and the only kind of flu I've ever had is the 12 hour stomach flu. Like I said before, I can't complain too much. My fever passed 102 degrees only once and it was because I was sitting on a bench... in a doctor's exam room... by myself... for 2 hours. Can you tell I was way not happy about the 2 hours? I was SO tired! Luckily I have a very attentive mom and a patient husband. I have some lingering symptoms from the bacterial infection, but other than that I feel awesome!

Friendships

2009-06-15T10:18:00.004-06:00

I had every intention of finishing my last blog, but life happens and I got busy. I played with friends, enjoyed our bipolar weather and even got some chores done.

For some reason the topic of friendship keeps stumbling into my life lately. I've connected with long lost friends, made a couple new ones and learned a little more about my current friends. Did your mother ever tell you "Friends are for now, but family is forever so treat your family as well as you treat your friends"? My mom use to tell me that and I'm sure I rolled my eyes nearly every time. In junior high I thought I'd be in touch with some of my friends for years to come. It seems life just doesn't always happen the way I want it to. I'm only close to one friend from junior high. It still took me a while to learn that my mom had a good point. Life changes so often and so suddenly that there really is very little certainty in our lives. The best thing to do is learn from the people that pass through our lives and appreciate them. I can list off friends back to preschool that have had an impact on my life for better or worse. Learning to appreciate even the less pleasant friendships is a hard thing to do. I've decided to take on the view that I've always learned something. The ones that told my secrets taught me to be careful of who I trust. The ones that cared about me no matter what taught me to love myself and care about everyone else I can. Some friends taught me to cope with the hard times and others taught me how to make the most of the good times. It's amazing what people can teach you if you'll just let them.

Well I'm off. I hope this little rambling of mine inspires you to reminisce a little about the friends you've been lucky enough share your life with.

The Thing I'm Best at

2009-06-11T11:38:00.001-06:00

Yesterday the DJ on the radio asked people to text and email him with what they are the very best at of everyone they know. Well that really got me thinking. I do just fine at most everything, but I don't really excel at anything. I therefor came to the conclusion that I am the best at being me. No one has the perfect balance of traits to be me. My entire personality has a tendency to be contradictory. Beat that world! I'm a stubborn doormat and a laid back panic attack. I scream respect your religion and yet I don't have one to call my own. I forgive wrong doings, but can't let go of them.

Gonna have to continue this later.

Just need to cry a little

2009-05-31T00:28:00.004-06:00

I just can't seem to decide what to blog about as of late. It's been a rough week. I've done a spectacular job of hiding it from everyone other than my superb husband. He puts up with me so well. Today I got a couple good reminders as to why I left the church of my youth. It hurt more than it should have. I guess I haven't let go of the past as well as I had thought. I want to cry and point my finger and scream "WHY??" to the world, but I suspect no is really listening. I need to find the positive me again. I use to be so naive. I miss believing all people are good. I miss the innocence that I'm beginning to realize is lost forever. I listened to people's methods of cutting corners in the religion they tell me they believe. I watched a daughter be shunned on her wedding day. I was reminded of my own weaknesses and scoffed for not having the same experiences and view points as others. I've come to realize I can wish all I want for a change in myself, but it isn't coming. Tomorrow I'm still going to care and hate myself for it. Luckily, I can take comfort in knowing I have a husband that will hold me and love me as I am.

Warning: Ranting ...again...

2009-05-21T13:11:00.003-06:00

It's about one o'clock as I start writing this and my blood is running hot. The adrenaline urges me to jump up and shout. It makes anger and hatred easy. I'm calming down as quickly as I can manage, but it's kind of hard. I watched The Tyra Show on my lunch break. Today they talked about Proposition 8 and same-sex marriage. That's such an emotional topic for me. I can respect a difference of opinion, but I struggle to tolerate stupidity and cruelty.
People against same-sex marriage that try to use the bible as a tool to prove being gay is wrong piss me off. Well if you want to bring the bible into it lets discuss that. Why haven't you stoned your wife or removed your right eye? Give me a bible and I'll show you several more things you don't want to take literally. You can't pick and choose what you will and will not believe then use it as “proof” and expect me to play nice.
Were you aware that shortly before Prop 8 was voted on a recorded message was sent by phone primarily to blacks encouraging them to vote to ban same-sex marriage? What really surprised me was that it was in President Barrack Obama's voice. Someone had taken recordings of him speaking, spliced the message and then said it was him telling people to vote against same sex marriage. President Obama came out and said he did not support Prop 8. That means he didn't agree with banning same-sex marriage in California.
A man began talking to me yesterday about the incident with Miss California and the controversy of her losing the Miss America pageant. He was getting pretty heated about the topic and I tried to calm the topic. I was at work so I couldn't really get too far into my personal beliefs. He looked at me and stated very 'matter of factually', "You believe marriage is just between a man and a woman right." Before he could continue with his assumption I said no. He did kind of a double take. I told him I think the pageant judges were wrong to dock her for sharing her opinion in what I understood to be politically correct way. I then told him that I think there are people wrong on both sides of the issue. That seemed to cheer him up and he said, "Yeah, and they're closing in and smashing those of us in the middle." That talk really got me to thinking.
Well I just got busy and had to stop writing for about 20 minutes there. I'm calm and tired. I'm done with my rant and hopefully I didn't upset anyone too much.

2009-05-21T11:47:00.002-06:00

I've been slacking at the posting. I've just been so uninspired to write! Each day I feel just a little more guilty for not posting so here is your update.

Eric and I finally and officially moved last Saturday. We'd been gradually moving things to the new place, but were slowed by the flooding of the washer and other such things. Saturday was our last day to get completely moved out. Eric's parents, little sister, little brother and niece came to save us from our overwhelmed selves. We'd promised ourselves we wouldn't let that happen, but we were very grateful for the help. Our last move was a nightmare for me. There were so many family members carrying furniture. I was totally overwhelmed. Luckily this time around my mother-in-law took charge and had the whole place empty and clean in no time.

On Sunday I went with Eric's family to visit Uncle John while Eric was at work. We had a little baby shower with Natalie and then had a BBQ. It was really fun until I almost cussed out Natalie's friend. The friend's 3 year old daughter was such a little bully! She was being a brat to Alexis and Jodryn who are about 6. Then she went after little Faith who is only a year old. That was it for me. I told her I was done and she was going in the house. She screamed at the top of her lungs as I took her in the house and left her in the kitchen. My mother-in-law laughed at me and my sister-in law looked shocked at my outburst. It took a lot of self control to keep from ripping that mother apart verbally. Not good.

2009-05-08T10:23:00.002-06:00

Those of you that know me pretty well are already aware that I have an anxiety problem. On top of that I was in a car accident in April and have to make a court appearance to dispute the citation next Wednesday! Needless to say I'm a little stressed. I know I was in the right. He ran a red light. I just don't have much faith in our justice system.
I've decided all this worrying isn't healthy for me or my husband so I've been trying to keep myself distracted. Tonight's distraction is a picnic! It was Eric's idea and I'm extremely excited. I love that he's so thoughtful and knows me so well. He even talked about inventing another recipe for the occasion.

Oh and guess what happened yesterday! ..... Have you guessed yet? Our washing machine flooded the main floor! It was exciting and very, very wet. The washer had managed to get stuck on rinse and then blow off it's hose that took the water from the machine. It spent the whole night spewing water! It was a little bit of chaos at first, but Eric and I are spectacular. We cleaned the kitchen and then rushed Eric out the door to work. Luckily my job is very understanding and they told me to take my time and get the carpet taken care of before coming in. I was two and a half hours late, but Natalie and Trent were very cool about it. I would have been even later if it hadn't been for my grandma and mom. Grandma lent me her carpet cleaner and Mom came over to help me move some furniture out of harms way and took over so I could get ready for work. Thank heaven for great family.

Check it out!

2009-05-06T09:50:00.000-06:00

Have you heard of heyitsfree.net? I heard about this site on the news recently and was pleasantly surprised. There are coupons, free things and great deals posted nearly everyday! One day there was a free John Deer hat and another day the site announced Red Mango was giving out free frozen yogurt. Now how could that be anything less than great? Today there is a post about free Huggies. I know plenty of moms and dads that will be checking into that.

2009-05-05T15:07:00.002-06:00

When you were a kid did you ever hear one of "the mean kids" say to someone, "What are you gonna do; run home and cry to your mommy?" Well I'm having a day where my reply would be,: "No! I'm gonna run home and cry to my husband!" Yeah... it's one of those days. In less than an hour I can go home and make Eric just hold me for a little while. Thank heaven for him.

2009-05-03T19:30:00.002-06:00

I mentioned a few days ago that I think it would be fun to live in a tree. Here are a few examples I like...

Regular flu is wins!

2009-05-01T14:59:00.003-06:00

My friend sent me a text today that said "For those keeping score on the swine flu deaths, for the last three days:
swine flu: 1
regular flu: 295"
I laughed and forwarded the message to people I knew would appreciate the message. After watching the news I am thoroughly convinced that there is no reason to panic. It certainly isn't something we want our babies to catch, but it's really no more of a concern at this point than any other common illness.

Oh to be one with nature!

2009-04-29T10:41:00.002-06:00

I've decided that I would enjoy living in a tree house. My only dilemma would be bathroom related. I can figure out the rest, but how would I shower and such? Perhaps I'd build a little modern outhouse. I just don't know that I could justify running pipes up a beautiful tree. I'll keep working on that... Anyone have a tree I can live in???

so much to be thankful for

2009-04-28T11:16:00.002-06:00

Do you ever just stop and think about all the people that have made a positive impact on your life? I've actually sat down and tried to think of all those people. It's impossible! I didn't even know some of the people I thought of. There was the gentleman at the gas station that paid for my gas, the woman that barely knew me yet hugged me when I cried and the little girl that told me she liked my dress on a day I was really nervous. I know I have a tendency to forget all these great things that have happened in my life, because I lose focus and get caught up in the negativity. Bad things happen. I'm not excusing the ugly, stupid things that people do. I'm just looking for the good. I'm trying to let the unpleasant go. Thinking of those people today just seems to make me feel a million times lighter. Maybe some time I'll tell you about a few of those people.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-04-24T09:32:00.002-06:00

I ran across the blog of a girl I went to high school with the other day. Well she posted 10 of her guilty pleasures. I loved the idea so of course I'm following her lead. Here are my 10 of my guilty pleasures.

I absolutely adore movies based on classic books. I have been known to stay up until 4 in the morning just watching movies based off books written by Charles Dickens and Jane Austen.
I love fictional books. I love reading about vampires, witches, fairies and elves. My sister-in-law, Erin, and my little sister, Stacey, are always helping me find the next best book.
I am a lurker. Yes, I am one of those people that read blogs written by people I don't even know without them even knowing it. I have a list of blogs I read almost every week. My top three favorites as of late have been DannyandJenny.blogspot.com, UberChicForCheap.blogspot.com and FeatherReport.blogspot.com.
I love to take long drives with my hubby. I know gas is getting pricey again, but I love to drive the outskirts of town and the empty highways where you rarely see anyone. If I wasn't so nervous about being the driver I think I'd love to be a trucker.
I'm addicted to Diablo. I tease gamers for being glued to their TVs and computer screens, but I can play Diablo for two hours and be convinced I've only been playing for half an hour. I've cut myself off now, but I really miss it.
I am a free cell addict as well. You can ask my husband. I'll play game after game after game. It's truly tragic.
Don't tell anyone but,... I'm really big into talking philosophy, theology and politics. I get so passionate about these topics that it's funny. I can go on forever just talking about what Jesus probably looked like. If you have strong opinions on immigration, same-sex marriage or mental illnesses you may not want to get me started.
I love photography. I can't be one myself, but I love to study other people's work. I have a list of photographers whose work I absolutely adore.
I'm a motor-mouth. A lot of people might not believe that, because I'm a little shy. However, if I feel comfortable with someone I can go on for hours. I love comparing stories and finding out why people are the way they are. Yep... I'm a talker.
I love to read. I was one of those kids in junior high that got grounded from books as a punishment for staying up all night reading. I don't read as much as I use to, but I still have a talent for getting lost in a good book.

Now you should post 10 of your guilty pleasures!

Pictures!

2009-04-16T18:23:00.002-06:00

This is our Blaze shortly before he passed. We were all very sad to put him down and Brody still is struggling. It's really nice to know he isn't suffering anymore.

Adam and his kissy face

This is me and Jubilee. Justin and Deb brought her and Jade over. It was a blast and Jubi loved Eric.

This is Jade with her phone and the "snake." She talked all night on that toy phone and kept it in her pocket when it wasn't up to her ear.

This is my poor car after Friday.

Kiss & Tell

2009-04-16T11:32:00.002-06:00

Jenny posted a 'Kiss & Tell' list on her blog and it was so very cute. I've decided to go ahead and make a list of my own! I won't list them all, but here are some of my first kisses...

Tony: Tony was my very first kiss. I was 16 and it was so very cute. My friend and I went to watch him in Foot Loose... again. Tony gave me my first kiss that night on my front porch. It was a perfect first ever kiss.

Tye: My first kiss from Tye is pretty funny to look back on. Tye and I became friends in junior high. He'd been one of my best friends and one of my crushes in 9th grade. He was also the 2nd boy to kiss me. We'd gone on a date and I'd already decided I wouldn't kiss him. I was still crushing on Tony at the time. Well Tye dropped me off and we had the usual hug. I started to pull back and he pulled me forward, planted a kiss and then abruptly ran back to the car. I just kinda stood there for a minute. That was the day I discovered that kisses can come in the form of a hit and run.

Mark: Ah Mark... That kiss caused so much trouble! 2 weeks after breaking up with my boyfriend I went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights with a group of my friends. Mark had agreed to be one of the drivers, but he said he needed someone to be his date if he was going to drive. I agreed to be his date thinking he was joking. I was pleasantly surprised to find he took our date quite seriously. We went back to Ashley's house and when no one was around I got my first kiss from Mark. He was my first experience with facial hair. It later led to a jealous friend, a lot of rumours and lies, and my ex breaking into my locker and showing up at my classes. So not good.

Josh: Josh was the first guy I was engaged to. I liked him the moment I saw him. Our first kiss was after he invited me to go roller skating with him and his friends. It was so much fun! Afterward we went to the dorms to watch a movie. When nobody was looking he leaned over and gave me a small kiss. He was very much a gentleman.

Eric: We are now at my hubby! The first night Eric kissed me it was like a scene from a movie. We were sitting in my car watching a lunar eclipse and talking. We happened to see a shooting star and he asked me what I'd wished for. I blushed told him that I couldn't tell him or it wouldn't come true. He slowly leaned forward and kissed me. Ready for the especially sappy part? After we kissed I said, "That's what I wished for." Cute huh?? We are absolutely darling like that.

There you have it; 5 of my first kisses.

It's a long one...

2009-04-14T13:53:00.001-06:00

Well this weekend was very eventful. I had planned on posting pictures, but when you hear why I was so scatter brained you will forgive me. I promise.

Friday I took the same route home as usual. I reached the intersection where I have to make my ominous left turn. I hate left turns! Someone always seems to want to run you over when you turn left, whether it's the guy coming at you or the one behind you yelling profanity laced lectures on how you so could have made that. Well I was feeling quite cheery and no one behind me was panicking so I eased into the intersection just a little and waited through the green light and then through the yellow light. It was about to turn red (I know this because I use this intersection nearly every day). I went ahead and made my turn and the jerk in the very fancy Cadillac kept his foot on the gas pedal, ran the very red light and killed my poor tail light. The crash was so loud that I just knew my entire trunk was gone. The car barely had time to stop after hitting me before the blond opened a car door and jumped up shouting. I decided it was mostly nerves that caused her outburst, but it convinced me to stay in my car. I immediately pulled over and called Eric. He left his food on the counter and came to my rescue. I minute later my dad was there to be sure I was OK. Can I just tell you here and now that I appreciate the people that aren't in the accident, but witness it and stop to make sure everyone is OK and talk to the police. The gentleman that was behind me stayed to fill out a police report. He agreed that they'd run the red light and I'm so glad. I was so shaken that you could have told me that my name is Mike and the sky is green and I probably would have thought that you must be right and I was crazy. The three officers on the scene were so nice to me. I found out one of them lives just down the street from me (He was my favorite!). Officer Schroeder said that even though the witness verified my story that the other car ran a red light he still had to ticket me. He didn't see the red light and couldn't make a judgment so I got the citation for turning left. I managed to not cry until he walked away. I was a mess the rest of the night. Poor Eric was so patient. He sat me down and listened to all my worries and then settled each one for me. He assured me it wasn't my fault and we'll get it taken care of. I really love that man!

Saturday morning brought a great opportunity that really kind of balanced my weekend. My sister-in-law's engine blew. I know that sounds horrible, but you have to hear the rest of the story. The good part is next. Eric and I have a big Chevy pickup that we've put up for sale. Jess got the registration and insurance in her name and is going to make the payments! We get to help her and she's helping us! She and her Clint both thanked us and it made me feel fantastic. Jessica and I still aren't really sure about each other which makes this even better. Maybe someday we'll even be friends.

Easter happened. It was good, but with everything else that happened it felt very low key so I don't really have much to say about it. We got chocolate and t-shirts. Woo hoo for candy.
Oh I almost forgot to tell you about Jimmy and my ridiculous cat! Heidi was one of my first friends in high school. I'd seen her once since high school so I was really excited to see her Sunday. She and her husband came over with their little two year old boy, Jimmy. Jimmy had never seen a cat before and I happen to have two. Zoe spent most of the visit hiding. Jack on the other hand thinks that babies are the coolest thing. There was a little parade of cat and toddler up the stairs, down the stairs, under the coffee table and back and forth across the living room. Then Jimmy decided to try a different way of playing. He tried stepping on Jack and nudging him across the floor with his foot. Jack was a little confused, but didn't complain at all. Jimmy even lifted Jack up by his back leg. At that point we put Jack in his room, but not once did Jack use his claws or teeth. He wouldn't even run away! I'm not sure if the cat is crazy or truly just enjoying someone new to play with. It was pretty funny.

My Hero

2009-04-10T14:41:00.001-06:00

I've been going through a slight “breaking” of the heart for a while now. The most stable thing in my life is my fantastic husband. Everything is so uncertain that I don't know what I would do without him. He is always there to comfort me when I fall. He tells me I'm beautiful when I know that can't be true. He tells me that he thinks I'm so strong. I really couldn't make it without him. Everyday with him has been a blessing. No one can make me laugh the way he does and I still get butterflies when he puts his arms around me and smiles. He changed my life and I'll never be able to thank him enough. I'm so very lucky to have him by my side at the beginning and end of each day.

Figured I'd Share

2009-04-07T09:23:00.003-06:00

3-25-2009
Like so many other people, my husband and I are a little tight on money these days. I sat down today and decided to come up with a few little tips to help me cut back on my spending. It occurred to me that other people are in my position and may need a couple tips as well so here is what I've come up with...

I'm going to take all my visa and debit cards and lock them away to avoid temptation. I'll just have to keep some cash on me for emergencies.
Whenever we have a casserole or something that should have left overs I need to set the leftovers aside before we even eat so I'm less tempted to over eat. That will save money and a couple unwanted pounds around my waist. Plus then I have left overs for that day when I just don't want to cook.
I've decided to pay as many of my bills as possible through AFCU's Bill Pay. That will save me money on stamps, envelopes and checks.
I need to decide how to pay for groceries. I can stick to cash. That will keep me in my limit, but it doesn't allow me to keep record on my account. I could stick with checks. A box of checks is about $10 for 150 checks, but I'll only need 2 or 3 each month so they'll last forever.
I'm a fan of blogging and I like to occasionally spoil myself so I was pretty excited when I found http://the-fru-gal.blogspot.com/ . It combines 2 of my favorite things!
Here's a fun little girls night out idea. Mary Kay consultants set a goal to do 30 make-overs in 30 days when they first get started. There's a center in Roy that does make-overs every Wednesday and Saturday. They don't pressure you to buy anything and they are so much fun to hang out with.

I'm a worrier and I tend to get pretty stressed so I also put down some tips to help ease my stress and save time.

I'd like to pack away all our dishes except 2 of each. That will force me to do the dishes and help avoid a pile up. I hate doing the dishes and we don't have a dishwasher, so I'm pretty thrilled by the idea of only washing 2 plates.
I'm a fan of lists, but I find I lose them. I've decided to write them on my planner. I chose one this year that has a few more lines so that I can fit my to do list on it. That will save me time and money so I'm pretty excited.
I know this may seem frivolous, but I've decided to put a gym pass on my list of necessities. I find that the time to myself helps my mind just as much as it does my muscles. I've done a little research to find a gym in my area that charges a low month to month rate with no contract. It really helps more than I thought it would.
Like I said earlier, I'm a worrier and a little high strung at times. I've found that if I bottle up all the things that have bothered me I end up eventually releasing all that stress by over reacting to something ridiculous. To try and cope better I've started either talking to someone or writing down what bothers me and why it's not such a big deal. If I remind myself that the person I think is out of line may be going through a really rough time it helps me stay patient.

These are just a handful of tips I came up with, but I hope they help.

Free Yarn!

2009-04-01T14:47:00.002-06:00

Go to http://whiletheyplay.blogspot.com/2009/03/destash-giveaway.html !

Well you should if you crochet or knit anyway. She recently found out that she's allergic to some of her yarn. Tragic! I know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but it's absolutely free game so go for it. We could all use a productive hobby, right? Well good luck!

I kicked my sister in an elevator, because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.

2009-03-31T09:55:00.004-06:00

Just Fun To Do...Please try!!!

Pick the month you were born:
January-------I kicked
February------I loved
March--------I karate chopped
April----------I licked
May----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With
August--------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October-------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbour
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19------ - a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an iPod
29-------a surfer
30-------a homeless guy
31-------a llama

What is the last number of the year you were born:
1--------- In my car
2 --------- On your car
3 ----------- In a hole
4 ----------- Under your bed
5 ----------- Riding a Motorcycle
6 --------- sliding down a hill
7 --------- in an elevator
8---------- at the dinner table
9 -------- In line at the bank
0 -------- in your bathroom

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink-----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple---------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown---------because I can.
Other----------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself!

I found this on Staci's blog (http://stacidawn.blogspot.com/) and just couldn't resist. Sorry Nic!

Pictures!

2009-03-28T14:40:00.002-06:00

Cam's first birthday party was a hit. She was as darling as ever and loved the extra time with her Grandma and Grandpa Merrill.
Here is Uncle Steven, Aunt Emily and Dad. We all enjoyed watching her open her gifts. She had to very intently study each card and gift.

This is our Chevy. It's up for sale now and we're just waiting for a buyer.
Mom, Stacey, Grandma McInelly and I all went to Jeni's house for a Mary Kay makeover. It was a lot of fun. Trying to get Cambria away from her Grandma Merrill was like pulling teeth for the first half of the night. She certainly loves her grandparents.
This was the first time I've ever seen Grandma McInelly with make up on!
Eric and I found a really good deal on this tv and bought it with some of our tax return as our Valentine's Day gift to us.

Here are a couple pictures of the hair cut I got about a week ago. I'm still figuring out how to style it cute like this, but I'm enjoying it.

A little lost

2009-03-27T14:36:00.002-06:00

I'm having an insecure moment. I won't go into too much detail, but I ran across the blog of someone I went to high school with. That led to the discovery of several other people. Today has been such a slow day that I've had way too much time to think. Do you ever stop to think about the what if's? I do. I've been trying so hard to bury the past, but here it comes again to haunt me. Was I doomed from the start? I'm terribly afraid of how true that seems to be. Mom asked me the other day, as she has many times before, if I thought things would have been different if we hadn't moved just before I started high school. All I can say is maybe. I may have had the same experiences just with different people. I must admit that high school did a number on me. I left broken and lost. College helped and hurt. Amy, Emily and Brock began teaching me to love myself again. Some days I regret leaving school. Then again I think one more day could have been all it would have taken to end me. Well I have to take off. Maybe I'll find a little bit of perspective if I set this topic aside and come back to it later. Fingers crossed.

P.S. Fingers crossed for Matt! Good luck quiting.

A Broken System

2009-03-27T10:07:00.003-06:00

I'm in a bit of an uproar this morning. Thank you politics. I'm mourning the men that were good fathers that no longer have enough money to pay rent, because their wife decided to take off with everything he has. I'm sad for the children that will never leave the reservation, because that kind blond couple is the wrong race. I'm tired of all the stupid people screaming racism. How can I forget we're different colors if you won't let me? I don't understand why I should get special treatment for being a woman or why my friend gets to go to school for free, because she has darker skin than mine. We raise our fists and demand equality. I like equality. I crave a place that truly practises equality. Certain jobs in this country require having so many women employed. Equality is one thing, but hiring a woman that is completely unqualified just to fill a gender quota is ridiculous! What are we thinking??? We may have a black president, but I know a family that attempted to adopt a child they'd been raising for a year. The mother of the child wanted this family to have the baby, but the government said that wasn't allowed. Turns out that because the mother was a Native American the white couple couldn't have the child. Please tell me where that makes sense. I'm very aware that life isn't fair. I'm also aware that humanity is all too often to blame for the lack of logic.

2009-03-20T14:41:00.002-06:00

I don't really have much to say today, but I'm feeling a little bad about not posting as often this month. I need to post pictures, but the lack of internet in my apartment is an issue. Hopefully I'll make it to a family member's house this weekend to do a little more posting. Last Saturday was my niece's first birthday party and I got a hair cut on Monday. I also have a fabulous picture of my niece, Cam, and I after the Mary Kay make over I got from her very cool mom.

I wasn't going to bring this up, but I kind of feel like he needs more acknowledgement from me. An amazing man I've been so blessed to know passed away after a very long struggle with cancer. I'm tearing up just thinking about him. He was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. When I was in high school he'd come to pick up his boys, who were very good friends with my brothers, and even though he had no reason to notice me he always did. He and his wife barely know me, but they remembered where I worked and what I was up to. At the viewing his wife hugged me and assured me that it was ok to cry. She reminded me that he's better now and we'll all miss him. I really do miss him. I am glad that he's done fighting though. He's been struggling with cancer for years now. His youngest son is on a mission for their church and the church let him come home for a day just before he passed. His family meant the world to him.

Tired Eyes

2009-03-16T09:20:00.002-06:00

I thought I had clever things to say just now, but I pulled up this page and my thoughts fluttered away. Perhaps they'll come back later...

2009-03-11T13:16:00.003-06:00

I believe my friend (the one I mentioned before) has found a far more true religion than the majority of people I know. The LDS Articles of Faith state that EVERY man has the right to believe as he will. Why are so many people incapable of following that? They choose to forget. They lose patience and are usually just trying to help. My friend is choosing to follow Christ and forget the “wall” is there. We all know it is. That barrier is one our society has imagined into place and we have sustained it with insults and arrogance. I'm guilty like so many others. I'm over the Shaela's and Alex's now, but I still struggle with the Chris Buttar's of the world. I don't know how to defend myself, so I remain angry to hide the hurt and I try to hide from the religion he uses as his excuse. Why haven't "the Mormons" (I'm speaking generally about those who know he's out of line) told him to stop? I suppose he's saying what they want to. Allowing him to say it for them allows them to pretend they're still civilized and "better people". I see through the lie and it just makes me as bad as they are, because it makes me angry and it makes me hurt. I'm OK if you disagree with my beliefs. I just want you to be honest and RESPECTFUL.
=) I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. I guess I hold "religious" people to a different standard. If you choose to represent God then you should be trying your very best to really represent Him. Do not claim to follow Christ or Buddha or whoever if you are not willing to try to live the way they teach. The religious leaders I've learned about taught love and tolerance (some times that means patience) yet I see people verbally attack one another in the name of their religion. Nephi loved the brothers that tied him up and tried to kill him. Moses died before making it to the "Promised Land" because he loved his people so much that he sacrificed to help them. Religious people look up to these figures yet they discriminate, lie, and bicker. What kind of honor are you showing these men? I know it's silly that I'm kind of chastising the people around me when I'm no where near perfect. I just think it needs to be said.

2009-03-05T10:07:00.002-07:00

I've had an overwhelming sense of hopelessness over the last 12 hours. I'm feeling immensly better now, but I'm still exhausted and the swelling in my eyes has yet to go away. On the positive side... I got 100% on a mandatory test I took at work. Yay for knowing Code of Conduct! Oh and the weather can't decide what it's doing. We just went from snowing with blue skies and a few clouds to very sunny and rather clear. It's really very pretty.

I had to take a nice long break here to get some things done. Maybe I'll continue later.

To commit or not to commit...

2009-02-27T15:11:00.002-07:00

Well here is my quick vent for the day. I'm debating resigning from a committee I'm on. I feel really guilty, because I feel very obligated to help out. I'm just struggling to keep up with the extra commitment. I don't have internet at my apartment so fulfilling the assignments requires me to go to my parents' house and battle for a computer. That's kind of hard when I'm suppose to submit multiple videos, blogs, comments and such each month. I think I'm just allowing myself to get a little overwhelmed. I've gotta run, but any advice is welcome!

So Good With Words!

2009-02-25T10:07:00.002-07:00

I was a little behind the times yesterday I guess. I had no idea President Obama was giving a speech and to be honest... I probably would have skipped it if I'd known. Politics tend to get me a little worked up, so it's usually safest if I keep my distance. However, I ran across the last half of Pres. Obama's speech last night and I was very impressed. He gave a great speech. I'm a little hesitant about a couple points, but he said he'd do some things that really got me kind of excited. My husband said something that really kind of brought me back down to earth. He had a good point. A speech is just words and as we all know politicians have a tendancy to make promises they can't or won't keep. The real test of this recovery plan is yet to come. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens and praying the outcome is the best it can be. Fingers crossed!

Oh To Be Inspired

2009-02-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

I wandered around http://2or3things.blogspot.com/ today and it made me feel poetic. I yearned the language and simplicity it contained. So little was said and yet much was felt. What a joy it must be... I changed my mind. Most people that have that gift for simple poetry aren't entirely aware. I think the joy is more strong for the ones reading the simplicity rather than the person that absently inspires us. On January 26, 2009 2or3 Things posted a quote from Jim Jarmusch that I find very comforting and inspiring. He said, “Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don't bother concealing you thievery-celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It's not where you take things from-it's where you take them to.”” When I write I tend to worry that I'm not being unique enough and he clearly states that there is no true originality as we define it, or I suppose as I'd been defining it. Our originality shines through in the way that we present what we have stolen. I must admit, I'm not a fan of using the terms stolen and thievery. They seem so negative and imitation is the highest form of flattery. Perhaps I'll stick with mimicked or found inspiration from. I think those are far more positive terms.

The Outcome of Buttars

2009-02-20T10:43:00.002-07:00

This morning we learned the "punishment" handed down to Utah state Senator Chris Buttars. He has been removed as chair and a member of the Judicial Standing Committee for comparing gay activists to radical Muslims. He also suggested that gays are the "greatest threat to America going down." He also made a statement suggesting gays have no morals and "anything goes" with them. Buttars will remain on the Senate Rules Committee and Senate President Michael Waddoups suggested that this shouldn't be viewed as a punishment. He's considering it as a move to remove a distraction for Buttars sake so that he can feel more at ease when sharing his opinions. I agree that the1st Amendment gives Buttars the right to speak freely, but there are and should be consequences for the things he does and says like anyone else. The thing that really gets me is that this isn't the first issue the state has had with Buttars and his inappropriate comments. Just last year he was in trouble for another very out of line, prejudice remark. Utah Republican Party Vice Chair Todd Weiler made it very clear in statements that Buttars does not represent the party. He said, " The Republican Party doesn't discriminate or encourage discriminatory statements against any group of citizens." He hopes Buttars will apologize and is concerned that these statements will put a shadow over the good things he's done. I'm going to be honest here... the shadow has been cast for me. I'm glad he's done some good, but that doesn't make this something to be ignored. I really do hope he'll apologize.
I was angry and disgusted to hear him say the things he said, but I'm feeling considerably worse about the general reaction. Citizens seem to either hate what he said or love him for it. It's obviously the love for his remarks that scares me. It makes me hate the beautiful mountains I live near. This religious hell hole scares me in times like this. I feel bad making that remark, because I know it would upset people. But that's how I feel. I'm tired of cruel people and they seem to scream here. I yearn for a place where God is the judge of my life, not the people. Does anyone know of a place like that? Around here they have a tendency to condemn even the best people. I'm tired of it today. I guess I'm tired of not being good enough for the shallow people. But hey, why should I care what they think, right?

May God Grant Me Patience

2009-02-18T09:44:00.001-07:00

I've got one more issue to vent about. Ready for this... Religion. I'm sure any of my family that reads this is on high alert after reading just that word. I promise I'm playing nice ;) My recent issue is a lack of respect, maturity and commitment that people tend to show when joining a religion. They treat it like they're joining a club or going to a party. Religion isn't meant to be a social outing or the "in thing" to do. It's a commitment to God. The word commit doesn't mean when you feel like it or when it's convenient. It means you'll strive to do your best to live up to those standards even and especially when it's hard. It's not a frivolous thing. You don't join to get a crush's attention or because someone else wants you to. You join a religion to be closer to God. It's a big deal so you should be sure. I've watched people join religions for the wrong reasons and I find it offensive. I've watched people join for the right reasons, but without all the information and conviction and they ended up bitter. I'm watching a friend get ready to join and I'm frustrated and worried. I suspect one of his reasons for joining is a girl. I want him to be certain he's devoted enough to the religion that he'd join it even if she didn't like it. I also worry that he isn't taking this as seriously as he should. He's taking this lightly and it's so frustrating to watch. I hope he is committed enough to this to make the necessary sacrifices.

Mourning

2009-02-18T08:47:00.003-07:00

The last several days have been a little bittersweet for me. On Friday I read an article about 2 young women my age that were in a car accident. On Saturday I learned that they were people I knew. Shilo and I use to take a dance class together and her sister, Mika, and I were in a choir together. They were so very different yet in their own way they always made you feel special when they talked with you. I'm hurting for their mother and little sister.
On Friday night my cousin's step daughter passed away. Justine had been in the burn unit for so long that a part of me is so glad she's finally out of pain. The hardest part of her death isn't her family's pain like with Shilo and Mika. The hardest part for me is knowing how much she had left to live for. She was burned at a bonfire the weekend before she was going to start her first day at beauty school. She had a darling little sister that looked up to her. She was about to turn nineteen.
My poor husband has been so patient with me. I keep having little break downs over the loss of these wonderful people. Watching "Bridge to Tarabithia" on Saturday night did not help! I bawled. I'm not gonna lie. There were big fat tears and I narrowly avoided a little sobbing. No one warned me about the ending!
Then last night I read a post on http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ from 2-16-9 in which Stephanie mentioned Justine. I didn't bawl this time, but I did tear up. It was comforting to have someone refer to her as a friend. I think a part of me still feels a little bad about never visiting Justine. We didn't really know each other and I'm such an emotional person. The burn unit is kind of an emotional place for me as it is so I was afraid I'd end up crying and making her just feel worse.

I'm Forever Opinionated

2009-02-11T10:28:00.001-07:00

Those who know me well know that I am a very big supporter of equal rights. I very strongly believe our country is struggling in that area. We lack equality between races, genders and cultures to name a few. Equality is a work in progress, but progress is being made.

I was very opposed to Proposition 8 and the uproar it caused in Utah has caught my attention. On that note I think that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and Governor Huntsman deserve a standing ovation this week. The LDS Church has put out a statement saying that while they feel marriage should remain between a man and a woman they do believe rights should be allowed to same sex couples. Yesterday the news came out with an interview with Utah Governor John Huntsman who stated that he supports civil unions for same-sex couples as well as equal rights. The station that interviewed Huntsman was hard pressed to get any politicians on film. Gayle Ruzicka said, “Well, shame on him.” Shame on you Gayle for being such an uptight and arrogant woman. She went on to say, “The legislators up here who are real Republicans will continue to act like real Republicans, and they will defeat this legislation. The governor will not have an influence, so I don't know what he thinks he's doing or why he's doing this.” Well Gayle, he's showing integrity. I'd love to know why being a Republican requires you to give up your morals and values to cater to the party. That is so very wrong. His responsibility is to create and maintain a better state, not to cater to your arrogance.

Political parties have been a joke for generations. I don't think I'll ever understand why we, as a country, allow them to continue. They don't seem to be good for anything other than causing tension, turmoil and paying their friends' way onto Capital Hill. As always money reigns. A woman recently told me something that rang very true. “Money speaks to money” and that's why the big business men will get a small slap of the hand while generations of middle and lower class citizens continue to pay for their mistakes. Politicians are typically as greedy and self-serving as our CEOs. I'm fully aware that there are exceptions, but if you think I'm exaggerating have you stopped to take a look at our movies lately? Have you ever noticed that the bad guys are typically wealthy and in positions of power? Perhaps I'm not that only one sensing the oppression...

Exhaustion has struck

2009-02-09T14:22:00.002-07:00

Exhaustion truly has struck me. I woke up a couple times before my alarm went off and I suspect that's where my heavy eyes came from. It began snowing late last night and just kept right on falling. The snow is so moist and heavy that it's taking down branches and trees left and right. Thank heaven it seems to be down for a few minutes. It's going to snow into tomorrow according to the most recent forecast I've seen. It's making most of us miss summer even more. I certainly know that I'm craving spring. I'm missing strappy sandals and light summer dresses lately.
...I'm going to go seek out something to drink... Loves!

Tracing the line back

2009-02-05T13:32:00.002-07:00

I'd like to collect some old faded pictures of my parents, grandparents and so on. I'd like to put them in my living room. I've always been kind of dazzled by the grace of such pictures. I'd like them on my shelves and walls to show people where we've come from. I once heard someone say that we find the answers to out present and future in the past. I'm entirely thrilled with that idea. I've been wanting to put together a book with pictures and short facts about my ancestors, but this seems far more... “look at me.” Does that make sense to you? I love to talk about where I've come from in a sense.

Another Lovely Ramble

2009-01-21T14:34:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I pretended to be daring and had my hair cut. It's not quite as short as I'd originally planned, but it is shorter than it's been since I was learning to walk. I'm still a little shocked when I go to run my fingers through my hair and find several inches missing. I'm loving the color. It's a bit brighter than before and the highlights absolutely thrill me. My husband likes it lots and that honestly matters a lot a lot a lot to me.
I'm enjoying the fantastic sunshine we're seeing in my corner of the world, but the smog is atrocious. The cloud of yuck has been growing and receding and then swelling again for the last week or so. It looks pretty around the mountains, but disturbing settled over the cities. I'm very looking forward to spring with a good deal of hope. I'm looking forward to being warm again. I miss open windows, flowers, birds and beaches.
My birthday is coming in a matter of days now and a part of me is dreading it. I have no fun plans and I'd rather skip it than worry about being forgotten. I know I'm being entirely pessimistic about this, but I worry. I don't like these holiday reminders of my lack of social skills. Blah... At least I got a hair cut and new phone out of it. I'm also going to get a couple really good meals from my parents and in-laws.
Well I'm off to make myself useful. Happy Wednesday!

2009-01-14T20:12:00.004-07:00

I've been slacking terribly on posting pictures so here are a few from the last few months.

Standing strong

2009-01-10T09:07:00.005-07:00

I've discovered that I'm stronger than I've even wanted to admit. I've learned that I can stand alone and shine. I know I have amazing people that will stand close by to help me if I stumble, but I've been handling so much alone (with out fully realizing it) for longer enough that I know I can hold my own in this world.

I've decided my current goal is not only to remember how strong and beautiful, but to show it as well. I'm getting my hair cut on the 20th and I'm debating something drastic. We'll have to see how brave I am when I get there. I like Cup of Jo's new goal of dressing like a french woman. I love that idea. From the observations I've made and the tips she's given I'm thinking blacks, grays and earth tones in layers. They always have something that's stunning or beautiful on and then they add layers like they just grabbed from the closet without looking. I find it admirable. Perhaps I'll save my spending money and buy some pretty things for my wardrobe.

Thank you Mom, Daddy, Aunt Diana, Aunt Michelle and a few others for being the people I always know I can go to.

Dreaming

2008-12-30T22:54:00.004-07:00

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I'm pausing from my entertainment planning to dream of the pretty dress at a fancy party I won't be attending. It's a sad and yet uplifting dream. I'm a little more of a t-shirt and jeans kinda girl. It's safe. I like to be noticed, but not spot lighted. Still, every now and then I just have the urge to dress up and shine. I'm debating taking Grandma up on that invitation to go to church just for the excuse to wear a pretty dress and pretend I'm daring.

I was forced to part with my beautifully wore black boots after yet another attempt to break my ankle. As I mourn their trip to the dump I'm starting to form an image of what their replacements should look like. My birthday is coming up after all. Perhaps I'll just ask for a new pare of boots. They've been a staple in my wardrobe so long that I hardly know what else to wear. I could be in trouble this January. I've had terrible shopping cravings for the last couple months and now that I have a little extra money again I want so badly to spend it. Hopefully Eric can keep me in check and out of the stores. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm back!

2008-12-05T14:41:00.002-07:00

I realize that was an odd way to end a blog, but I do have a good explanation. I've been assigned the the Young Adult Advisory Committee at work and we had our first meeting on Wednesday. I was left alone at the counter and had to balance my drawer and get out in time to get to my meeting in neighboring city. It was an exciting mad dash and they video taped the committee singing a song they taught us. It was awkward and hilarious to say the least. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to snag the video and post it here for all to laugh with me. Back to Christmas....

Well Eric and I went out and bought lights and ornaments. Our tree doesn't look the way I planned, but does it ever... no. If we were to hang anymore ornaments on that tree you'd no longer be able to find the branches. The cats are thoroughly entertained by the addition to our living room. Jack keeps attempting to climb the tree and seems a bit frustrated by the lack of wood to cling to. Zoe on the other hand likes to sniff and chew at the branches. She's also a big fan of the ornaments. She thinks she needs to investigate each one she can reach. They're learning to leave the tree alone. If you look at Zoe she'll pretend she doesn't even know the tree is there and start cleaning her paws. If you look at Jack or say his name he runs to the back of the tree hoping you won't bother to come after him. It's funny to say the least. We've only got 2 gifts under the tree so far, but there are more on the way. My book shelf looks like a shrine to Christmas now and I love it. I'll have to post pictures just for you Diana.

Tonight I'm going to see The Festival of Trees. People decorate and donate trees that are later auctioned off. You have to pay to get it and there are dancers and singers performing every night. All the proceeds go to charity so I don't feel bad about buying a scone. ;-) We're going to watch my aunts dance students perform. I'm looking forward to it and perhaps I'll get a few pictures while I'm there.

2008-12-03T13:16:00.002-07:00

Well we are in the midst of the Holiday Season and I'm almost sad that we're getting close to Christmas so fast. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all seem to blend into each other more each year and I find that a little bothersome. I love each of these three holidays so I try to keep them separate and unique. I just realized I should have mentioned Kwanzaa and Hanuka, but I don't celebrate those and wouldn't actually know how to if I chose to. Oops... Well back to my rant. I've decided I'd like to get all my Christmas decorating done in one fell swoop from now on. This year has been a little more tough than I expected. Our living room is extremely small so in order to set up the tree I have we couldn't put all the bottom branches on. This of course made the tree too heavy on one side so it is now cleverly tied to a hook the previous tenants left in the ceiling. Eric and I also quickly discovered we do not have nearly enough ornaments and we were lacking lights. Gotta run! I'll explain later.

What's you favorite book?

2008-11-25T13:41:00.002-07:00

As I wondered this little land of blogs I read a line that caught my attention. "What's your favorite book?" Well that's a ridiculous question to ask me. It's impossible for me to choose. Even my favorite color changes with each moment. I figured I can choose my top 5 books as of this moment.

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo is absolutely on that list. I loved the love poems Marius gave to Cosette when I was 15 years old. Victor does have an issue with rambling. He rambled on for a ridiculous number of pages about the history of the sewer system in Paris. I about died waiting for him to get back to the story.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen is another of my favorites. I'm always entertained by Elizabeth's quick remarks and the story holds some very clear morals. It was impressive to stop and realize that Jane wrote her character, Elizabeth, to be a strong willed independent woman. That kind of personality was frowned upon. A woman just didn't really get to be picky.

Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow are clearly from the same series. They were written by Scott Orson Card. The man has an imagination and sense of philosophy that I envy. His books give me so much to contemplate and learn from. Both of these books in particular really pulled me into the story and made me feel like I had a place in them.

Being the silly nerd I am I have to list a current favorite of mine. Reviving Ophelia is a book written by a psychiatrist in the 90's. I can't tell you her name at the moment, because I left the book home. The book is all about adolescent girls and why they seem to be a creature all their own with a language no one else seems capable of speaking. She points out how our media and culture are basically poisoning our girls. I'm completely enthralled with this book lately. It all rings so true and while I believe most of our society acknowledges this atrocity we still have failed to make it stop. It's easier to just let it go and we stick with the sad yet true statement "sex sells."

Well I've rambled on long enough. What are your favorite books? Perhaps you'll like the ones I've listed.